Here's to 2015!

This year for the most part has been pretty good, not great.. But better than some. We were blessed with Layla, our 4 legged daughter who means so much to me. I turned another year older, Braeden turned 2, Calvin and I celebrated 5 years married, my husband saw another birthday, and we were blessed to find out in 2015 another baby BOY will be joining our family. 😍

My biggest resolution for 2014 was to only surround myself with positive people, and while I think I did an amazing job, there is always more work to do. So in the new year, I won't be focusing my energy on those who don't have time for me. There are too many great people in my life who love me and my family for us and those are the people I'll focus on. 

In 2015, I'll be looking forward to getting back in gear with fitness, pregnancy is no excuse to not stay fit, so Monday I look forward to hitting the gym again! 

Some may have already noticed, I haven't been on social media nearly as much as last year, and in the new year it will be even less. My priority will be spending time with my husband and child, and social media as a means to keep in touch with family and friends who live away. 

Calvin and I have struggled this year more so than ever, we look back at old pictures of how in love we used to be, and sadly we let things come between that.. Whether it be parenting, electronics, or just bad prioritizing, however we have a lot of love left... And in this new year we are making us a priority. We are starting by dating again, finding new things to talk about besides our son and bills.. And finding the roots that brought us together in the first place. So if you pray, we would appreciate it for us.

We are both going to be working on strengthening our relationship with God, and hopefully finding a church family here to become active in. 

To everyone who has supported us throughout the good, bad, and ugly... You'll never know how much it means. ❤️

Here's to an amazing new year!

Sending love from the Edmunds 🎉

 Best friends 

 Father/ son love 

Bryson Thomas 💙

First Trimester Pregnancy Blog :)

Hello all!

A lot has changed since my last blog-- the biggest being WE ARE PREGGO!

I will be 12 weeks on Tuesday and and couldn't be more excited! We will find out the gender December 20th, however EVERYONE thinks we are having a baby girl.

We found out right at 7 weeks pregnant, I had been super sick.. gaining weight, and just not feeling well at all. Turns out there was a baby making a home in my belly. :)

Weeks 7-9.5 were filled with lots of sickness, fatigue, exhaustion, sore boobs, love handles, and random cravings. Weeks 9.5-now have been filled with sporadic sickness, fatigue, and exhaustion, sore boobs, love handles, and random cravings.. lol so at least we went from constant to sporadic. :)

With Braeden I had 0 love handles, I was straight down, and more of a basketball belly... well this time it's completely different. My belly is like spread all over, which I've heard is consistent with a girl. Only time will tell- we do not care we are just excited to be pregnant and have a healthy baby. :)

Please keep my family in your prayers as we embark on this new chapter of our lives for a healthy pregnancy and baby.

With love,
Me

One hurdle down, two left to go-

Those of you who read my last blog got a glimpse of how I feel here and there. I felt bad for those who read it and were hurt or felt super worried about me.. but it needed to be said. My life is far from perfect, and it's very frustrating when people assume that it is simply because I try to be optimistic.

At 20, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and had several surgeries. I was told if I wanted a family I needed to start trying because medically with all the scar tissue my chances were limited. At 21 I got married, and we started trying right away--- 3 years later after failed pregnancies we finally got our amazing son Braeden.

Fast forward to yesterday, I had a procedure with biopsies taken because my Ob said my levels showed that the cervical cancer cells had increased and thrown off my numbers. Thankfully those cells that increased are all mild, meaning I can wait to treat. This is great news because it gives us another opportunity to try for another baby.

However, I have to stop taking my anti-depression/anti-anxiety medication before she wants us to try, because there are lots of risks involved with me taking my medication and becoming pregnant. She said 10mg would be potentially acceptable but given my already high risk and struggles, she really wants it gone. So between now and my 6 month follow up I am supposed to get off my medicine and get pregnant. (No pressure). Last year we tried for about 8 months and never got pregnant, then I had two solid cysts burst which almost ended me in the ER and the pain was excruciating. Between the failed success, the medical issues, and several other obstacles going on I had a complete nervous breakdown. I completely just lost it... one person can only handle so much. About 4 months ago I tried to lower my dosage because we were going to try again, and my nerves just couldn't take it. I couldn't sleep and I felt quick tempered. So I went back up.

Now, however I am on day 4 of lowering my dosage and with the help of a extra nice hubby and friends stepping up and truly making me feel loved, important, and just that I'm important enough to be thought about helps. My biggest struggle has always been never feeling "good enough"... well I think my last blog busted a lot of bubbles and showed a lot of people that I have thought about suicide, I do have dark moments, but I'm no different than anyone else, I just want to feel loved and appreciated in a world that usually only shows appreciation when it's convenient for them.

I have a lot of inner hurdles I have to work on, like learning to accept things the way they are, learning that some people never want to see you happy, or see you succeed. Some people love it when you're down-- it makes them feel better about their own life. Those people, I need to wash my hands off. Much harder said than done. I'm learning through the hard times who my friends are and which ones aren't. I can't tell which is harder trying to figure out your friends in the good times or in the bad? Regardless, I'm working on it.

Some were a little upset that I didn't broadcast what was going on when it was going on-- well I barely told anyone.. mainly because I didn't want to hear "everything happens for a reason", "trust God, he makes no mistakes", "girl I've been through the same thing", "I know exactly how you feel". ALL things that literally make me want to punch someone in the face for saying. I know intentions may be good, but it sucks when you feel like your life is falling apart and someone tells you everything happens for a reason-- really? Explain it to me then. I trust in God, but in the moment I don't need the reminder. And people should never- ever say "I know exactly how you feel" ever... Because two people could go through the same diagnosis, but their bodies handle it completely different, their minds handle it differently, etc. It's belittling. Sorry-- I got a little bitchy in this paragraph, but "I had good intentions." ;)

Thanks to those who know my struggles and constantly remind me of my worth, who do some of the sweetest things just because. I can't tell you how much it meant last week for example when just randomly one of my daycare moms wrote me a little note just telling me how much her kids loved me and how much she appreciated me. Or one of my daycare dads just telling me thanks for giving his kids a safe place to learn and play. If more people took the time to show appreciation for others all the time, this world in general would be a much better place. I know I have a lot of work to do in that area, myself.

So for now, I have one huge thing to be thankful for, and lots of prayers needed to help keep me strong, help me get off this medicine, help us create another baby, help us financially provide for a bigger family, and so many other things. Help me become stronger enough to push people away who aren't good for me, to eliminate all negativity, and to conquer the darkness that likes to bring me down.

Thoughts of the moment

You know, I pride myself on being straight forward and truthful. For the last few weeks, even months I've thought "oh I got this- I'm doing great." Every time I feel like I'm moving forward my bubble gets popped and I fall 10 steps back.

My mom always asks me "what's wrong sugar?" My sister says "call me when you want to talk." My husband says "It's okay sweetie, don't let such small things bother you."

There are a handful of people who actually and truly love me and for them I am eternally grateful. But like I told my husband last night as I cried myself to sleep in his arms-- I've been broken for a long time. From the time I was a child I wasn't good enough to be loved, never being smart enough, talented enough, cool enough, --- point blank I've never been "enough."

I try to only talk about the positive, because no one likes a debbie downer.. no one wants to be around a pessimist. However, sometimes maybe I give the impression that my life is perfect or things are always great... that is far from the truth. Maybe I overcompensate because on the inside I never feel good enough so if I try to "impress" others or make myself seem awesome-- people may actually like me enough to be nice.

Do you know what if feels like to be ignored, to not be invited to fun events, to always be the one who helps others and never the one who receives it, to constantly try to make others feel important or loved, yet some of the same people would never think twice about doing it for you? Well I do, and it sucks. I'm 26 years old and I always end up getting the shit end of the stick-- I try to remain optimistic and most days I am, but it doesn't take away from the fact that aside from my niceness- I'm not dumb, and I realize that 9 times out of 10, I'm only needed or befriended when its convenient for them, otherwise I'm a thing of the past- it hurts.

People always talk about how they don't understand why someone would commit suicide- I'll tell you, because they get to a point of feeling so alone, so unloved, so worthless that they feel more like a burden to society than a grace. I had one of those moments just last night actually, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I'm human and I suffer with depression and anxiety, most days I'm okay but others I suffer. This week has been a very hard one for lots of different reasons and I let my mind take over and eventually I come back from it and realize that I have an amazing son who needs me and I would never want to leave him thinking he wasn't good enough for me to stay alive for him.

Depression sucks- suicide isn't cowardly, its the people who make people want to commit suicide that are cowardly. Always be nice to people because you never know what kind of day they could be having and your words good or bad could either put them over the edge or bring them back.

Part of the reason I love teaching and working with the kids I do-- they don't judge, they love me for who I am, they are just happy to have structure, go outside, cuddle, and learn. They don't need anything fancy.. they are just happy in the simple things. I love doing photography and catching everyone's happy moments and having them saved for people forever. I always say, I'm done being a people pleaser, I'm done letting things get to me, I'm done being a floor mat-- but the reality is, I'm not sure that's even possible.

All I can do is pray, tucker down and hold on and pray the next storm takes it a little easier on me. My biggest fear is being a bad mother, or Braeden feeling the same way I've felt for so long. I may not do everything right when it comes to discipline but I'm learning as I go. He will know every single day how smart he is, how handsome he is, how wonderful he is, and how much he means to me and I love him. That to me is the most important thing, building a strong and independent minded child who can stand on his own two feet and not struggle the way I do with always putting myself last.

disclaimer: I am not always "fine", I have struggles like anyone else, I try to cover it up with a smile, an up-beat post, and focusing only on the positive, but at night those dark moments don't disappear just because I want them to. It's a real battle and I work on it day by day. I also did not write this for a pity party-  I'm okay today. I just want to feel valued and important in life to the people who call me their friend, the ones on my facebook and the ones who know how much I've done for them.

In life isn't that what everyone wants? To love and be loved all in the same token? Everyone has a story- this is just mine. 

A Sad Day

You know, it's truly amazing how celebrities hold a spot in our hearts, some we love, we grow up with, we learn from, admire, and truly feel like we "know." I'm not sure why Robin William's death has touched me the way it has, but like a friend of mine said- "I feel like a part of my childhood is gone." I remember watching Mrs. Doubtfire a million times growing up- laughing so hard I almost peed my pants because it was just that funny. My other favorite is Aladdin, both movies I do not think I can ever watch again without just feeling sad.

"I'm going to miss you Genie." 

With his death brings about a serious issue that millions of Americans face every day, yet no one speaks up. Depression is a horrible disease that is not always easy to escape. How educated are you on the disease? Did you know that depression is the leading cause of suicide? 

*Suicide takes the lives of nearly 30,000 Americans every year

*For young people aged 15-24, suicide is the third leading cause of death

*80% of people that seek treatment for depression are treated successfully

*Suicide CAN be prevented through education and public awareness

If you know someone who suffers from depression, call them more often, text them- check on them and remind them that you care. Do not assume because they are not always available that they are okay- some of the weakest and lowest moments are the ones when no one is around to stop them. Robin Williams death also proves that money cannot buy happiness, so it does not matter what a person has on the outside, everyone has struggles. 

Personally, most of you guys know my struggle with depression- thankfully I made the decision to seek help. I wanted Braeden to grow up with a mommy and I didn't want to put the burden on my husband to explain to our son why his mommy decided she wasn't "worth" living anymore. I'll admit though- I remember those low moments very vividly.. I felt like I was a burden to every one I was around. That I was a joke, no one would ever take me seriously anyway. That if I died- who would even care? Who would miss me or even notice I was gone? All these feelings put together at the same time, can make for a very low moment. 

More personal, my fight was mostly with myself. I felt like a disappointment for struggling to get pregnant and not being able to get pregnant again. (Disclosure: I am VERY grateful for our son; but always wanted to have multiple kids.) I felt like what was wrong with me, isn't it a woman's responsibility to make children? Then I started noticing how many other women struggle with infertility and other baby making abilities. Things at home weren't going very good either, Calvin and I were always fighting- which I blamed myself for every argument and that just made it worse. Our financial status changed dramatically and we were hanging on by a frayed thread. Lastly of course, there was my own self image struggles. I was never pretty enough, skinny enough, toned enough, my hair wasn't cut right, my clothes weren't new enough, a lot of superficial issues drilled into my head from the airbrushed unrealistic images laid out that REAL women can never compete with. No one understood me, and I felt completely alone. 

Of course I understand all this now- but the point is that until you have dealt with depression or have been side by side with someone who has; it makes it very easy to make generalized statements like "suicide is selfish." I've read so many comments of un-educated people about Robin Williams death and it astonishes my how people are so naive to not realize that depression and suicide are huge and real issues that our country is facing. Our youth are committing suicide at a much higher rate that 5 years ago, and then higher then 5 years previous to that. Our generation and ones above us are not taking school bullying seriously, we are not using our brains to educate ourselves and others to help eliminate such unnecessary measures of death. 

Please share this blog, talk about these issues with your friends, family, and most of all TAKE IT SERIOUSLY! Life is too precious, and ends quick enough as it is. Take care of the ones you love and create a safe place for them to talk, cry, and come when they need it! And if you are reading this blog, and you suffer from depression yourself know this-- there is always help, and YOU are not the problem the disease is and as ugly as depression is- it can be overcome and controlled with help. 

Take life seriously, be kind to one another. Help your neighbors, your friends, and your family.. Pay it forward and always smile, because you never know how much such a simple gesture could make someone's day. 

With love. 

Don't be a target-- All Women Please Read!

Ladies--

I took a amazing self defense class this weekend and learned so much! A lot of it I can't share- you have to physically take the course to learn, but some of it I can and will.

*Did you know that every 2 minutes somewhere in America, someone is assaulted? (2012 statistic)
*A rape is reported about once every six minutes in the U.S. (2001)

How can we change this? Prepare yourself to 1) not be a target and 2) if you become a target, defend yourself and escape.

There are several ways to reduce the risk of becoming a target:
1) Your home:
*Try walking around your home, at night or during the day- can you easily find a way in?
*Make sure your drapes or shades are always thick and pulled at night. This prevents a silhouetting                 effect to show someone who and where you are inside the house at night.
*Make sure if you have outdoor lights- use them! Keep them on so your neighbors can be your look               out, also so police can view your house and see any potential attacker.
*Make sure your shrubs and bushes are at least 6" below your window ledge so that there is no room             for someone to hide behind them.
*Make sure you keep your doors and windows locked at all times, even on second floors. People can           be quite deceiving if they are trying to get in your home.
*Having a hide-a-key is very dangerous, most criminals know to look for these specific areas first in               order to get in- trust a neighbor, family member, or friend before leaving a key outside.
*When someone knocks on the door- verify who they really are before allowing them in.
*Always leave a light on, so you do not return home to a dark house.

2) Your vehicle:
*Always check your car before getting in, make sure no one is hiding in, under, or around your car.
*Once you're inside your vehicle, lock the door.
*Try to always back in when parking, so you are easily able to leave if need be.
*Always keep your key in hand when walking to car, your key could also be used as a weapon if                    needed.

The biggest thing I learned was to be completely aware of your surroundings... when walking alone always pay attention to those around you- their race, clothing color, something to describe them if you needed to. When driving, always know where you are if your car breaks down, or if you get lost you will have an idea to tell police to help you.

If you are completely aware of your surroundings- you are much more aware, so if an attack did happen you are more prepared. If someone attacks you YELL "NO" "STOP" as loud as you can, get someone's attention, cause a scene. And always give eye contact, if shows you have confidence and are less likely to be viewed as an easy target.

In our perfect heads, these situations would "never" happen to us, but realistically what if it did? Do you KNOW that as a woman there are so many tools you can learn to get out of nearly every situation? Are you confident you would survive? What if you are with your kids? These are questions you need to ask, and if you aren't sure-- take a class. This RAD class I took is offered all over the U.S. and in several other countries for FREE.

Just taking it, I learned so much about my own personal strength- my ability to think quickly on my feet, and my ability to safely get out of a dangerous situation if I ever needed to. All women should be able to experience that feeling. Contact your local police department and see what options are offered in your area, and as women-- let's put a stop to being the victim!

This video is on youtube- This is Anthony Furguson; he broke into over 600 homes in the Charlotte Area. It's called "Interview with a Burglar" and he tells you all the things he looked for before breaking in.

Click below:
Interview with a Burglar

Sometimes the truth hurts---

So I started back in November-ish on my anti-depressant/ anxiety medication and around January got to a really happy place which I've been now for a while. Calvin and I are on the fence whether we want to struggle to try to have another baby, or just call a quits and focus only on Braeden. I'm torn because I don't want Braeden to be an only child, but I also don't want to go through the potential heart break of losing another child. SO the grand idea was that I would work my way off my medicine and we would not try/try so to speak and if it happened great, if not- okay.

Well, I've worked my way down to 20mg from 40mg and I thought I was doing great, but I've noticed I steadily been going to bed later and later--- and having a hard time at that. My mind constantly races, it never shuts off. And yesterday I seemed short tempered with Calvin. :( The medicine I have been taking has a fabulous side effect of appetite control, however since I've dropped my dose it hasn't really worked and with the stress of Braeden being sick, Layla's surgery, and now the lack of sleep-- I've gained weight.. like 10lbs quick. BUT I'm not going to fret over it, I will get it under control again, the truth of the matter means I apparently need to be on my medicine longer than I thought-- potentially even forever which is a little hard to swallow.

I'm trying to set an appointment up to meet with a doctor to see what is safe if anything to take if we did become pregnant, but the reality is if I have to stay on this medicine and if there are risks involved with being on my medicine and having another baby-- then the grand question may have been answered for me.

For me the hardest part is not knowing when everything changed? When did I get so anxious? The depression part is good 98% of the time-- one battle I feel pretty good about. But where did all this come from? If it was situational-- shouldn't it be gone already? I know babies can make things change, but I didn't start having these issues til last fall when everything flipped upside down, which Braeden was 1.5 then.

Regardless, I went back to my original prescription today of 40mg and am staying put until further notice. I'm "okay" with it, but the truth of the matter sucks. Here I was thinking "oh, I'm great- I feel great, I got this" Apparently I only have it with help.. which if that's the way it has to be, I guess my only choice is to swallow that inner pride and move on along.

Now I have about a solid month to loose those 10lbs that I mysteriously gained so quick and get back in shape. I missed two weeks of the gym dealing with a sick kid and sick pup and this is what happens. Which we also ate fast food like every day because we were all over the place and trying to keep up.

So say a prayer for me folks- that I remain at peace with myself, that I get this random weight off again, that I can sleep like normal soon, and that I find my energy again! <3 And thanks so much to the ones who know my whole story and who love me, support me, and have been through it all with me :) I love you.

With love,
Me

Life Perspectives-

I'm laying here on the couch, with Layla right beside me, post surgery stink and all; yet I can't help the warm overwhelming feeling I have of gratefulness for God opening doors today. 

Today I was faced with a difficult decision that I truly hope I never face again. Layla our puppy swallowed a large rock which cut into her intestines creating major problems and creating the need for an emergency surgery today. 

Well, I was faced with the decision of going forward with surgery that we truly couldn't afford and still can't or putting her down because she wouldn't make it much longer untreated. My heart never had a decision to make, putting her down would never be an option but my head says "if you do this surgery can you afford to buy groceries next week?" $1500 is a lot of money for essentially one income. BUT God opened a door to allow us to make payments and even though we can't really afford the payments, I couldn't really afford to loose Layla. 

Layla is so much more to me than a puppy or dog. She is my best friend, the best cuddler, she always knows when I need some love, or if something is wrong and she accepts me for who I am and loves me as such. ❤️ 

So tonight say a prayer please for my Layla and me as we tough it out together tonight. She has to go back to the vet tomorrow all day for fluids and then hopefully she will be home for good. Pray that she heals quickly, that this doesn't happen again, that financially some new doors open, and that this whole experience only brings my family closer. 

It truly is amazing when you put things into perspective, I only wish I could learn to relax a little more and trust that in every situation God always has control. He knows how much Layla means to me,  and helped us bring her home. Sometimes I feel silly because of how worked up I get over Layla emotionally, but at the end of the day, she is family; and you fight for family. Talk about learning a new perspective. 

Thank you for all the prayers and please continue. 

Let's talk about SEX baby ;)

So with the new movie trailer of "Fifty Shades of Grey" that came out today, it got me thinking about how well your sex life really is... us women so quickly get wrapped up in the mystery of "Christian Grey" but do we still get wrapped up in our husbands?



Now, don't worry I this blog is solely rhetorical ;) And I will not be sharing specifics about my personal sex life because well, that's for me and Calvin... I will say I have no complaints :)

It seems so easy when you first start out to date, that romance level is so high... that gaze from your partner can  make you melt with out even being touched. But when you are touched, that warm embrace of a hug, or the soft kiss from a long day apart--- makes your toes curl and your tummy flutter. The desire to have sex in the beginning is so high, that's the easy part. But how do you keep that spark alive?

How do you make time for intimacy with your spouse when you both work full time jobs, you may go to school on top of that, what if you have a child, multiple children.. or what if you just haven't felt that spark to try?

Well-- the answer is YOU have to MAKE time. 1 Corinthians 7:3 says "The Husband should fulfill his wife's sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband's sexual needs." How do we do that exactly? We need to take time to understand how to meet each other's needs. Of course that seems simple, but in most cases it's not. Men in general tend to be more focused on the physical aspects of things: the seeing, the touching, the feeling. Where as women tend to be more focused on the emotional aspect of things: feeling loved, cared for, and feeling appreciated.

Be silly and don't take everything so serious!

It's easy for sex especially for us women to get put on the back burner; after all once we have kids our minds no longer tick about ourselves only- we worry about our kids, our husbands, our house, cooking dinner, laundry, our pets, and the million things we volunteered to do knowing we don't have enough time in the day. BUT whether you choose to believe it or not, sex plays a huge part in a marriage. It can even break a marriage if put off too long. So with that, if you love your spouse take the time to find out what makes them tick again, put some effort into it, and most of all have some fun!! It shouldn't matter whether you are 20 or 80 years old, incorporating fun into your sexual life should be natural.

Ladies stop using the "headache, tummy ache, I'm tired", routine. Stop being confined to the same position every single time, and stop limiting your spouse to once a month. Strive for once a week, and make it important. If you're already at once a week-- strive for 2-3x a week.

I've seen far too many women talk about how after they have split with their spouse they "wish" they would have put forth more effort, etc... why wait-- why not start today? I know this is a topic that a lot of people are embarrassed about, but realistically it's natural, normal, and something that needs to be important in our relationships.

Throughout my blogs, I will be sharing some of the devotions that Calvin and I are doing- mainly the ones that hit home for us. <3

8 years together, 5 years married and he still has my heart <3 

Goal for today- well most likely tomorrow since it's almost midnight-- make your spouse remember that spark if you've lost it, go on a date, build up to a hot night alone... NO EXCUSES! Find the time, make it happen. :)

With love,
Me

Love Yourself... :)

Hello all!

It's been a bit since my last blog-- I keep saying I'm going to get better at this and write every day to become in a habit. I'll be doing something or reading something and say "this would be awesome to blog about.." then those thoughts just ponder away somewhere in mommy brain and I don't remember..

Regardless, let me start by saying I, Heather Edmunds LOVE myself. Those of you that know me well, know how hard I've worked to get to this place, but you only live once right? So WHY should I worry about all the things I can't change? Much easier said than done, right? Two years ago, this blog would have never been written, heck 2 months ago it wouldn't have happened.. BUT the closer I walk with God the more I come to terms with that he made me and if he is proud and loves me there is no logical reason why I shouldn't love myself.

I work hard, I take care of my family, I take care of myself, and I'm learning to STOP obsessing about what I eat, drink, or look like. Quite frankly I'm stronger than I've ever been in my life, and even if I'm never as "skinny" as the girl in those magazines we all admire-- guess what I'm okay with that. My husband doesn't seem to mind a little curve. I know I do my best, while staying happy and that's all the matters. I'm learning that if I want to drink a soda or eat a slice of cake, or heck both at the same time-- life will still be okay. I'll just work out twice as hard. ;) Regardless, all my life I have lived in the jail of me, never pretty enough, never thin enough, never GOOD enough... but ya know what?! I'm free, because God allowed me to be.

If only we could all live as carefree as this cutie! 

Yes, I have been on anti-depressants for the last year, because it was a damn hard year--- but I'm one month away from saying GOOD-BYE to that chapter of my life and I feel better than ever. What I've learned is that as humans, we are all prone to make mistakes, we are all prone to be hard on ourselves, and never feel up to our own standards--- but when we become prisoners to ourselves and are never able to fully live life, then what are we truly living for? Is my life perfect right now? NOPE, but honestly it never will be, I'm just better at dealing now. I am blessed beyond belief at the things I do have though, an amazing husband (most of the time ;), a remarkable little boy, a fur-baby who has truly helped me more than anything, a house I call a home, a dependable car that gets me where I need to go, and all the essentials in life.

In God I have my HOPE and HE is my anchor. <3 

So if you are reading this right now, and you aren't truly happy with yourself- ask WHY? Because let me tell you, in December I weighed 104lbs and was very thin, but you know what I still wasn't "happy" I longed to still be smaller, nothing was good enough, the woman I saw in the mirror still embarrassed me no matter how many compliments I got. Now, I'm at 115lbs and no I'm not as thin but I'm HAPPY. No, I don't have abs of steel, or a flat stomach, but I'm okay with working on it. I'm content with the way I look now, I'm content with the progress I'm making working out; and of course I'll always strive to be better, but the difference is, I'm not a prisoner to myself anymore. Don't be a prisoner, love your skin, your body, and embrace is because I'm 100% positive that someone else admires you for every aspect about you.

Me, yesterday! #strongmom 

And lastly ladies--- encourage each other! I can't say enough how if I've had a off day how much a simple compliment brings me up. As women we need to feel pretty, valued, and important. Whether it's a quick text, a facebook post, or a call--- the women and friends in your life that matter--- TELL THEM. Empower them the strive even harder, and value themselves more. Real women encourage each other and lift one another up, be a real woman to yourself, and to others! #strongwomenunited

With much love,
Me <3

New Beginnings

So I've posted before about various struggles within my marriage, and how we have had many ups and downs, curves, and obstacles... but that is a marriage. "For better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer." We have literally climbed through each in this last year.

These obstacles have weighed heavy on our marriage, but we are soldiers and are working through each one. When Calvin and I first started dating, our marriage was heavily washed in our church, our bible, and our faith. Somewhere along the way, we fell off track, and have now realized the missing link is that we stopped relying on our faith to guide us and teach us how to remain open to each other, how to listen, how to speak, and how to be there for each other.

We recently purchased The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional by Gary Chapman and The Everyday Life Bible by Joyce Meyer. We have been taking an hour each night after Braeden is asleep to read our devotional and then some scripture from the bible. We have learned so much already, and the last week has been going great, we feel very strong which we haven't felt in a long time.

Some messages that really hit home were:
"Whoever wants to be first must first take last place and be the servant of everyone else." Mark 9:35

"Be an example to all in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity."
 1 Timothy 4:12

God gives us each opportunities, it is up to us to be open to see them, and take the opportunity to use them. So as I am writing this blog today in hopes that maybe someone else in similar shoes can maybe improve their relationship with God, themselves, or anyone else just by learning to be open to new beginnings.

I'm not saying life is going to suddenly be easier, today alone I found out Braeden has Pneumonia, and early signs of Asthma. My husband had an MRI from his vehicle accident in March and financially things now are slowly seeping back to poverty BUT I have a calmness about it all this time. So I am taking the opportunity I've been given to share what is helping me and my family.

With Love,
Me <3

Soul searching--

Tonight I had a quick glimpse at some self reflection. I feel like a lot of my road bumps have come because of my loss in faith. I see so many bad things happen to good people, I started to question my faith. Then bad things, and more bad things, and then even more bad things began to happen to my family. It has taken a while to understand that it isn't God punishing me, it's the devil trying to push me further away from God in blaming him. BUT-- 

Just like when others have doubted Jesus's worth, and when God put the children first which wasn't heard of during that time because children and women weren't of much importance, it showed that Jesus was able to make big moves in simple ways. We all try to be the best at what we want, but sometimes to make the biggest impression we need to step back and be less than best to see and appreciate things in life and I can definitely understand that. 

Calvin and I have fallen further and further apart and struggle to stay "in sync" but with the help of God, and some very dedicated friends we are working towards reconnecting with each other and our God. 

Go forth in this week, and don't be afraid to make a little splash in a big pond. ❤️

I hope my ramblings make sense to at least one person. ;) 

With love, 

Me

Power of Prayer

I sit here this morning looking at the one $7,000 bill we received from one of two ER trips we had for Braeden, not to mention the children's hospital overnight stay, ultrasounds, and his procedure, bloodwork etc. all of which I'm sure will add up to over $25k easy. 

I start to get overwhelmed, stressed, and wonder how could we ever afford to pay that? THEN I think about a sweet girl, daughter of a sweet couple I went to high school who has been battling leukemia for the last year and discovered two days ago it relapsed. I can't imagine the stress or overwhelmed feeling her parents must be going through with the difficult decisions they have to make now. Thinking about their situation makes mine seem not as stressful. 

So today I will take a step back, create a plan and pay what we can, when we can and go from there. I will pray and pray hard for Claire and her family because at the end of the day their little girl is such a strong little warrior and deserves to be able to grow up and enjoy life like so many other children get to experience. 

Please join me today in praying for Claire Parker❤️

Our new baby ❤️

Easter Sunday 2014 was especially exciting for my family, we were able to finally see family for the first Easter in years! We celebrated the Lord, with loved ones and we became parents to a precious baby girl. At only 9 weeks old she stole my heart. 

Her perfect fluffy coat, and instinctive love for me won me over. She was "supposed" to be an outside dog, however after doing some soul searching and research I needed her inside. So we brought her in after only two days and amazingly she is already house trained after only one week. God couldn't have blessed us with a better puppy. 

She loves Braeden, and he loves her! Every day, he runs downstairs looking for "Layla". He expresses to everyone she is his dog, however he doesn't realize she is his sister, and my baby aka dog. :) 

After struggling with depression for months, and having the help of medication... God knew what I really needed... I needed Layla. I needed the love of an animal, unconditional, and sincere. Someone who expects only the simple things in life and appreciates everything I do for her. From kisses, to snuggles, cuddles and special treats.. She warms my heart and I've only known her for a week. 

Some people will never understand how people can consider furry animals more than just a pet, but it's hard to put into words how happy she has made me. She isn't just our pet, she isn't just a dog, she is family, and mommy's little girl.  <3 

April's hope --

Happy Sunday!

Things lately have been slightly chaotic. My husband was in a car accident and his car was totaled. He was okay, thankfully but his car that was paid off and in excellent condition didn't make it. Now we are having to try and find him a new car in the budget of whatever they offer us to settle in limited time as well. Fun stuff. (Insert Sarcasm)

I restarted my 30 day challenge and am about 2 weeks in. I'm having a much harder time avoiding sweets, primarily soda. I'm so run down all the time, I know it only makes it worse-- but in that moment the energy burst helps so much. Calvin and I finally are stable enough to afford a $20 a month gym membership ($20 for both of us) so we are excited to start working out together. I'm hoping that the extra cardio and working out is just what I need. :)

April will be a big month, Braeden will finally get to have his 18 month check-up (now that he is 21 months) since we will finally have health insurance again. Can't wait to see how he is doing per the pediatricians standards :) I also have my medicine follow-up to see about reducing my dosage and working my way off the anti-depressants. That means so much to me <3 

We also get to go home fro Easter and visit our families which is a first :) 

These last few days have been off, mainly because I've just been exhausted. I'm doing much better communicating how I feel, because I don't want to slip into a slump again like before. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I feel like the end is a straight shot of about 10 miles... slow and steady is the solution I guess. 

Things with Calvin and I have been spot on, our communication has been stronger than ever for the most part which helps keep me together. Parenting wise- I could use some work. Braeden has reached that point of periodically pushing every possible button he can and most days I just laugh it off and redirect but when you're tired and run down, it's much harder to do. So unfortunately I yelled at him the other day and then gave in--- 2 huge mistakes. Not that he really understood; but I sat him down held him tight and told him mommy was very sorry for yelling, that was not right. I gave him lots of love and even though my yelling only seemed to pause him for a split second he needed to know my actions weren't acceptable. 

My sweet love bug ❤️

Regardless, I took a 3 hour nap today and felt a little more rested, but even as I'm typing now.. I'm day dreaming about going to sleep! So it'll be early bedtime for me tonight. 

I'll end with a quote that stuck out to me in my fitness magazine: "Don't wait until you've reached you're goal to be proud of yourself. Be proud of every step you take towards it." 💪

Pen and paper....

relationship quotes | Relationship Quotes #5 | Flickr - Photo Sharing! - http://pinterest.com/pin/538602436657194457/

There are alot of things on my mind from day to day that I don't always have the moment to log onto my phone, tablet, or computer to blog. Some things are too personal, some things I'm ashamed of, some things I'm just not ready to share. So I'm going back to what got me through school and a few bad relationships; an old fashioned journal with a pen and paper.

I'll still blog some things for sure, but I really need to figure out who I am, who I want to be, and how to love myself. I recently went with my sister shopping for engagement outfits and bridal dresses and all I could think about as I tried on several ones was how fat my face looked or how it took two people to zip my dress because of the boobs I apparently still have. Of course the day was a blast but I just really struggle living the skin I'm in, living the woman I see when I look in the mirror. There are several things which contribute to this but none of that matters, because only I control myself, so at some point I have to believe the good things I hear and stop dwelling on the negative.

Anyways, long story short I'm working on me, day by day and in the end I hope to be a stronger, confident woman, and an even better mom and wife.

<3

March is here; well 6 days in.

I have been meaning to post a new blog for a few weeks now, and something always  comes up, so before the kids go crazy I'll update a few things!

First exciting news is that my husband got a new job! Praise the Lord! He actually is very excited and has learned so much already. He started February 25! Second I am feeling stronger and stronger each day. I've slacked some on my working out which I make up-- but I have a hard time staying on track each day; not sure how or when priorities changed but I definitely need to get more focused again. By stronger I mostly mean mentally- enough so I'm thinking of speaking with my doctor about lowering my dosage for April. Currently I take 40mg of Celexa and even though 10 mg is safe during pregnancy I don't want to take anything so my goal is between now and AFTER my sisters wedding (April 2015) I will be completely done with the medicine. I feel that is a fair goal, little by little I feel like myself again and I am confident the medicine is helping but also confident the Lord is helping me more. He is helping me find myself, love myself, and smile more, laugh more, and in general see life as it should be in the moments we are living.

From that, I mentioned the word pregnancy- meaning we DO want more kids BUT when timing is right. I struggle with wanting to succeed in raising Braeden to be confident, smart, loving, and loyal. I know we each are our own worst critics but I can fail at almost anything else but when it comes to Braeden I have to succeed. Between being a mother and being a wife those are the two most important titles I've ever had and they mean more to me than anything.

Part of the problem I believe is that I've always struggled to feel "good-enough". I was never the popular one, I actually was made fun of and as a prank in high school every one voted me biggest ego, to this day it still bothers me because at that point in my life I would have given anything to feel important or to even have an ego. Perhaps I gave the impression I had one-- who knows, but I remember from elementary to high school there were on two different occasions I considered taking my own life from being picked on about different things. Looking back now of course, most of it was stupid and petty and as an adult I actually laugh because I know I'm much better off than half the people who picked on me. I guess the main point is that if anyone is reading this --- always be nice to others, even if they seem to have it together they may not, everyone struggles and everyone has weaknesses so always be kind to one another because words can break a person.

The other side to that comes from my home life- I've said it all before in previous blogs, but again its difficult to feel confident or love yourself when you've been put down most of your life. I've had people tell me "those people are just jealous." Jealous of what?? My marriage--- I'm sorry I fell in love and my husband and I have busted our asses to make our marriage work through several obstacles. People who throw in the towel or are afraid to make things work shouldn't be jealous- they should feel embarrassed that they themselves didn't put in more effort. Jealous of our house-- we worked our tails off again for it, and with the help of family and some great friends we have a beautiful house we get to call home. Our son--- we prayed and prayed and after a traumatic loss we were blessed with Braeden; are we not allowed to have any happiness?

 I guess to anyone reading this that may be jealous- don't waste your negative energy; put that energy into working on yourself and MAKE things happen. NOTHING was given to us, we have worked for it so we are very appreciative of everything we have and there is no reason why you or anyone else can't have a happy life no matter what. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.

So I guess to wrap this up before I continue on rambling- my life has been far from a walk in the park; not nearly as hard as some, not nearly as easy as some-- but it's a work in progress. Everyone always talks about change being so hard, or wanting what someone else has-- but the truth is we are all capable of doing anything and everything and being anyone we want to be- with faith, dedication, and action you can make it happen. I believe more in this now than I ever have especially after how these last few months have been. I could either use those months as a crutch and wallow in self pitty-- or I can get my stuff together and find a way to keep trucking. Well this mama is trucking most days on a full tank of gas, but on days I'm running low; I know I have plenty of people to call on for help. I never knew how blessed I was til I asked for help.

So in ending remember two important things--- 1) Ask for help no matter what stage of life you're in when you need it. And 2) Always be appreciative of those that help you through the storms, and aren't just there for the party.


<3

Strong Women United

Throughout these last few months, if you have been reading you know I have had my fair share of struggles. I am learning that it doesn't make me weaker to have these struggles as long as I get back up. In an effort to try to exhale all the negativity I feel at times, I've been working hard at putting it to a more positive use. I started working out and for the most part trying to eat healthier, I did this for MYSELF-- but I had no idea so many people actually paid attention to me. LOL!

Being a woman, I know we have many struggles whether it be with our health, relationship, self worth, parenting, all of the above, or other --- we just aren't always so vocal when needing help. So I decided to take the fitness part of it and create a group for women only (sorry fellas) to share and support. The idea is to share success and struggles with health, and life in general. It is to be a safe out for women to use to ask for help and not be judged, to feel comfortable sharing before and after pictures regardless of size. The point is never what size you are- but that you see progress. Progress = success and HEALTHY is the new skinny. 

So if you are interested:

 Strong Women United is for all forms of women who wish to be stronger mentally, physically, and emotionally. In the group you'll find health information regarding work outs, nutrition, depression support, and much more! 

Feel free to join and participate, there are only a few rules that must be followed:

1) What is said/ shown in group stays in the group, we are creating trust and relationships so don't break it or you will be banned.

2) Respect others even if you disagree, because we can all learn from each other in some way. Do not judge or pre-judge.

To join- click the link below and click "Join Group" I will add you as soon as I can (usually pretty quickly). Read the pinned post and sign it.

www.facebook.com/groups/wewillnotsink

2 days into February

2 days into February and I've felt like poo. All I wanted to do is sleep and I had a lingering headache all weekend. Yuck! I still managed to do my workout even though I really didn't want to. 

I also realized that I left leg lifts off the calendar I made for everyone and I forgot to add extra increments for those who did the previous challenge with me-- maybe for March I'll have it together. This is my first go at preparing workouts and I'll put up a video soon so to anyone ready bare with me- I'm clearly not professional. Lol

Yesterday Calvin and I watched the Gabby Douglas story and can I just say I cried almost the whole movie- good tears but tears because I hope I can be as brave of a mom as she was. I hope Calvin and I can be as strong as she was and allow Braeden to know that no matter what his dreams are always possible. 

I had a friend tell me the other day that Calvin and I were great parents and wanted to know when we were going to have another baby. I was mixed on how to respond because currently I am still takin medication to help treat my depression and Calvin still doesn't have a new job so we are a bundle of hot mess right now; which ironically we should be extra careful because God tends to have a sense of humor. 

The truth is- I'm scared. I love Braeden more than anything in this world and truly want to experience pregnancy again and breastfeeding as well as watching another little being that Calvin and I created grow up but I'm just worried. Not really sure how to word my worries but none the less I answered her in that once things are more stable for us we will decide whether to try again or not. 

Right now I am enjoying Braeden growing up and trying to remember to save energy for him and only him as we believe he is going through some jealousy issues of the other children I do daycare with. 

So we are putting in overtime to remind him how much we love him. :) 

Aside from that things seem to be going better; I really didn't have any bad days this week which was nice. I feel like Calvin and I are back to dating-- things have been so great with him home ❤️ 

We are very excited as a family for our annual beach trip. Every year for Valentines we take a short trip to the beach to celebrate another year we made. We make letters of things that we could have done better throughout the previous year read them and let them float away with the current. It truly is a refreshing experience and I feel like our marriage has been successful because of it. I have learned marriage is hard work- but if you work hard it is the most amazing experience. ❤️🙌

Here's to February and all it's craziness. 😊

Goal 1: Complete!

Day 30 Complete! 
260 squats, 60 tricep dip, 60 push-ups, 160 abs, 100 leg lifts, and 100 jumping jacks. 

Since January 1- I've lost 7 inches, I've stayed strong at my goal weight, and can definitely "feel" a difference. I have more energy and things are much more tone. It's an amazing feeling! 

Tomorrow starts a new challenge! Who will join me? Only YOU can motivate yourself to be healthier, and only YOU can hold yourself back! #30daychallenge #bikiniready#2014change