Thoughts of the moment

You know, I pride myself on being straight forward and truthful. For the last few weeks, even months I've thought "oh I got this- I'm doing great." Every time I feel like I'm moving forward my bubble gets popped and I fall 10 steps back.

My mom always asks me "what's wrong sugar?" My sister says "call me when you want to talk." My husband says "It's okay sweetie, don't let such small things bother you."

There are a handful of people who actually and truly love me and for them I am eternally grateful. But like I told my husband last night as I cried myself to sleep in his arms-- I've been broken for a long time. From the time I was a child I wasn't good enough to be loved, never being smart enough, talented enough, cool enough, --- point blank I've never been "enough."

I try to only talk about the positive, because no one likes a debbie downer.. no one wants to be around a pessimist. However, sometimes maybe I give the impression that my life is perfect or things are always great... that is far from the truth. Maybe I overcompensate because on the inside I never feel good enough so if I try to "impress" others or make myself seem awesome-- people may actually like me enough to be nice.

Do you know what if feels like to be ignored, to not be invited to fun events, to always be the one who helps others and never the one who receives it, to constantly try to make others feel important or loved, yet some of the same people would never think twice about doing it for you? Well I do, and it sucks. I'm 26 years old and I always end up getting the shit end of the stick-- I try to remain optimistic and most days I am, but it doesn't take away from the fact that aside from my niceness- I'm not dumb, and I realize that 9 times out of 10, I'm only needed or befriended when its convenient for them, otherwise I'm a thing of the past- it hurts.

People always talk about how they don't understand why someone would commit suicide- I'll tell you, because they get to a point of feeling so alone, so unloved, so worthless that they feel more like a burden to society than a grace. I had one of those moments just last night actually, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I'm human and I suffer with depression and anxiety, most days I'm okay but others I suffer. This week has been a very hard one for lots of different reasons and I let my mind take over and eventually I come back from it and realize that I have an amazing son who needs me and I would never want to leave him thinking he wasn't good enough for me to stay alive for him.

Depression sucks- suicide isn't cowardly, its the people who make people want to commit suicide that are cowardly. Always be nice to people because you never know what kind of day they could be having and your words good or bad could either put them over the edge or bring them back.

Part of the reason I love teaching and working with the kids I do-- they don't judge, they love me for who I am, they are just happy to have structure, go outside, cuddle, and learn. They don't need anything fancy.. they are just happy in the simple things. I love doing photography and catching everyone's happy moments and having them saved for people forever. I always say, I'm done being a people pleaser, I'm done letting things get to me, I'm done being a floor mat-- but the reality is, I'm not sure that's even possible.

All I can do is pray, tucker down and hold on and pray the next storm takes it a little easier on me. My biggest fear is being a bad mother, or Braeden feeling the same way I've felt for so long. I may not do everything right when it comes to discipline but I'm learning as I go. He will know every single day how smart he is, how handsome he is, how wonderful he is, and how much he means to me and I love him. That to me is the most important thing, building a strong and independent minded child who can stand on his own two feet and not struggle the way I do with always putting myself last.

disclaimer: I am not always "fine", I have struggles like anyone else, I try to cover it up with a smile, an up-beat post, and focusing only on the positive, but at night those dark moments don't disappear just because I want them to. It's a real battle and I work on it day by day. I also did not write this for a pity party-  I'm okay today. I just want to feel valued and important in life to the people who call me their friend, the ones on my facebook and the ones who know how much I've done for them.

In life isn't that what everyone wants? To love and be loved all in the same token? Everyone has a story- this is just mine.