April's hope --

Happy Sunday!

Things lately have been slightly chaotic. My husband was in a car accident and his car was totaled. He was okay, thankfully but his car that was paid off and in excellent condition didn't make it. Now we are having to try and find him a new car in the budget of whatever they offer us to settle in limited time as well. Fun stuff. (Insert Sarcasm)

I restarted my 30 day challenge and am about 2 weeks in. I'm having a much harder time avoiding sweets, primarily soda. I'm so run down all the time, I know it only makes it worse-- but in that moment the energy burst helps so much. Calvin and I finally are stable enough to afford a $20 a month gym membership ($20 for both of us) so we are excited to start working out together. I'm hoping that the extra cardio and working out is just what I need. :)

April will be a big month, Braeden will finally get to have his 18 month check-up (now that he is 21 months) since we will finally have health insurance again. Can't wait to see how he is doing per the pediatricians standards :) I also have my medicine follow-up to see about reducing my dosage and working my way off the anti-depressants. That means so much to me <3 

We also get to go home fro Easter and visit our families which is a first :) 

These last few days have been off, mainly because I've just been exhausted. I'm doing much better communicating how I feel, because I don't want to slip into a slump again like before. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I feel like the end is a straight shot of about 10 miles... slow and steady is the solution I guess. 

Things with Calvin and I have been spot on, our communication has been stronger than ever for the most part which helps keep me together. Parenting wise- I could use some work. Braeden has reached that point of periodically pushing every possible button he can and most days I just laugh it off and redirect but when you're tired and run down, it's much harder to do. So unfortunately I yelled at him the other day and then gave in--- 2 huge mistakes. Not that he really understood; but I sat him down held him tight and told him mommy was very sorry for yelling, that was not right. I gave him lots of love and even though my yelling only seemed to pause him for a split second he needed to know my actions weren't acceptable. 

My sweet love bug ❤️

Regardless, I took a 3 hour nap today and felt a little more rested, but even as I'm typing now.. I'm day dreaming about going to sleep! So it'll be early bedtime for me tonight. 

I'll end with a quote that stuck out to me in my fitness magazine: "Don't wait until you've reached you're goal to be proud of yourself. Be proud of every step you take towards it." 💪

Pen and paper....

relationship quotes | Relationship Quotes #5 | Flickr - Photo Sharing! - http://pinterest.com/pin/538602436657194457/

There are alot of things on my mind from day to day that I don't always have the moment to log onto my phone, tablet, or computer to blog. Some things are too personal, some things I'm ashamed of, some things I'm just not ready to share. So I'm going back to what got me through school and a few bad relationships; an old fashioned journal with a pen and paper.

I'll still blog some things for sure, but I really need to figure out who I am, who I want to be, and how to love myself. I recently went with my sister shopping for engagement outfits and bridal dresses and all I could think about as I tried on several ones was how fat my face looked or how it took two people to zip my dress because of the boobs I apparently still have. Of course the day was a blast but I just really struggle living the skin I'm in, living the woman I see when I look in the mirror. There are several things which contribute to this but none of that matters, because only I control myself, so at some point I have to believe the good things I hear and stop dwelling on the negative.

Anyways, long story short I'm working on me, day by day and in the end I hope to be a stronger, confident woman, and an even better mom and wife.

<3

March is here; well 6 days in.

I have been meaning to post a new blog for a few weeks now, and something always  comes up, so before the kids go crazy I'll update a few things!

First exciting news is that my husband got a new job! Praise the Lord! He actually is very excited and has learned so much already. He started February 25! Second I am feeling stronger and stronger each day. I've slacked some on my working out which I make up-- but I have a hard time staying on track each day; not sure how or when priorities changed but I definitely need to get more focused again. By stronger I mostly mean mentally- enough so I'm thinking of speaking with my doctor about lowering my dosage for April. Currently I take 40mg of Celexa and even though 10 mg is safe during pregnancy I don't want to take anything so my goal is between now and AFTER my sisters wedding (April 2015) I will be completely done with the medicine. I feel that is a fair goal, little by little I feel like myself again and I am confident the medicine is helping but also confident the Lord is helping me more. He is helping me find myself, love myself, and smile more, laugh more, and in general see life as it should be in the moments we are living.

From that, I mentioned the word pregnancy- meaning we DO want more kids BUT when timing is right. I struggle with wanting to succeed in raising Braeden to be confident, smart, loving, and loyal. I know we each are our own worst critics but I can fail at almost anything else but when it comes to Braeden I have to succeed. Between being a mother and being a wife those are the two most important titles I've ever had and they mean more to me than anything.

Part of the problem I believe is that I've always struggled to feel "good-enough". I was never the popular one, I actually was made fun of and as a prank in high school every one voted me biggest ego, to this day it still bothers me because at that point in my life I would have given anything to feel important or to even have an ego. Perhaps I gave the impression I had one-- who knows, but I remember from elementary to high school there were on two different occasions I considered taking my own life from being picked on about different things. Looking back now of course, most of it was stupid and petty and as an adult I actually laugh because I know I'm much better off than half the people who picked on me. I guess the main point is that if anyone is reading this --- always be nice to others, even if they seem to have it together they may not, everyone struggles and everyone has weaknesses so always be kind to one another because words can break a person.

The other side to that comes from my home life- I've said it all before in previous blogs, but again its difficult to feel confident or love yourself when you've been put down most of your life. I've had people tell me "those people are just jealous." Jealous of what?? My marriage--- I'm sorry I fell in love and my husband and I have busted our asses to make our marriage work through several obstacles. People who throw in the towel or are afraid to make things work shouldn't be jealous- they should feel embarrassed that they themselves didn't put in more effort. Jealous of our house-- we worked our tails off again for it, and with the help of family and some great friends we have a beautiful house we get to call home. Our son--- we prayed and prayed and after a traumatic loss we were blessed with Braeden; are we not allowed to have any happiness?

 I guess to anyone reading this that may be jealous- don't waste your negative energy; put that energy into working on yourself and MAKE things happen. NOTHING was given to us, we have worked for it so we are very appreciative of everything we have and there is no reason why you or anyone else can't have a happy life no matter what. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.

So I guess to wrap this up before I continue on rambling- my life has been far from a walk in the park; not nearly as hard as some, not nearly as easy as some-- but it's a work in progress. Everyone always talks about change being so hard, or wanting what someone else has-- but the truth is we are all capable of doing anything and everything and being anyone we want to be- with faith, dedication, and action you can make it happen. I believe more in this now than I ever have especially after how these last few months have been. I could either use those months as a crutch and wallow in self pitty-- or I can get my stuff together and find a way to keep trucking. Well this mama is trucking most days on a full tank of gas, but on days I'm running low; I know I have plenty of people to call on for help. I never knew how blessed I was til I asked for help.

So in ending remember two important things--- 1) Ask for help no matter what stage of life you're in when you need it. And 2) Always be appreciative of those that help you through the storms, and aren't just there for the party.


<3