One hurdle down, two left to go-

Those of you who read my last blog got a glimpse of how I feel here and there. I felt bad for those who read it and were hurt or felt super worried about me.. but it needed to be said. My life is far from perfect, and it's very frustrating when people assume that it is simply because I try to be optimistic.

At 20, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and had several surgeries. I was told if I wanted a family I needed to start trying because medically with all the scar tissue my chances were limited. At 21 I got married, and we started trying right away--- 3 years later after failed pregnancies we finally got our amazing son Braeden.

Fast forward to yesterday, I had a procedure with biopsies taken because my Ob said my levels showed that the cervical cancer cells had increased and thrown off my numbers. Thankfully those cells that increased are all mild, meaning I can wait to treat. This is great news because it gives us another opportunity to try for another baby.

However, I have to stop taking my anti-depression/anti-anxiety medication before she wants us to try, because there are lots of risks involved with me taking my medication and becoming pregnant. She said 10mg would be potentially acceptable but given my already high risk and struggles, she really wants it gone. So between now and my 6 month follow up I am supposed to get off my medicine and get pregnant. (No pressure). Last year we tried for about 8 months and never got pregnant, then I had two solid cysts burst which almost ended me in the ER and the pain was excruciating. Between the failed success, the medical issues, and several other obstacles going on I had a complete nervous breakdown. I completely just lost it... one person can only handle so much. About 4 months ago I tried to lower my dosage because we were going to try again, and my nerves just couldn't take it. I couldn't sleep and I felt quick tempered. So I went back up.

Now, however I am on day 4 of lowering my dosage and with the help of a extra nice hubby and friends stepping up and truly making me feel loved, important, and just that I'm important enough to be thought about helps. My biggest struggle has always been never feeling "good enough"... well I think my last blog busted a lot of bubbles and showed a lot of people that I have thought about suicide, I do have dark moments, but I'm no different than anyone else, I just want to feel loved and appreciated in a world that usually only shows appreciation when it's convenient for them.

I have a lot of inner hurdles I have to work on, like learning to accept things the way they are, learning that some people never want to see you happy, or see you succeed. Some people love it when you're down-- it makes them feel better about their own life. Those people, I need to wash my hands off. Much harder said than done. I'm learning through the hard times who my friends are and which ones aren't. I can't tell which is harder trying to figure out your friends in the good times or in the bad? Regardless, I'm working on it.

Some were a little upset that I didn't broadcast what was going on when it was going on-- well I barely told anyone.. mainly because I didn't want to hear "everything happens for a reason", "trust God, he makes no mistakes", "girl I've been through the same thing", "I know exactly how you feel". ALL things that literally make me want to punch someone in the face for saying. I know intentions may be good, but it sucks when you feel like your life is falling apart and someone tells you everything happens for a reason-- really? Explain it to me then. I trust in God, but in the moment I don't need the reminder. And people should never- ever say "I know exactly how you feel" ever... Because two people could go through the same diagnosis, but their bodies handle it completely different, their minds handle it differently, etc. It's belittling. Sorry-- I got a little bitchy in this paragraph, but "I had good intentions." ;)

Thanks to those who know my struggles and constantly remind me of my worth, who do some of the sweetest things just because. I can't tell you how much it meant last week for example when just randomly one of my daycare moms wrote me a little note just telling me how much her kids loved me and how much she appreciated me. Or one of my daycare dads just telling me thanks for giving his kids a safe place to learn and play. If more people took the time to show appreciation for others all the time, this world in general would be a much better place. I know I have a lot of work to do in that area, myself.

So for now, I have one huge thing to be thankful for, and lots of prayers needed to help keep me strong, help me get off this medicine, help us create another baby, help us financially provide for a bigger family, and so many other things. Help me become stronger enough to push people away who aren't good for me, to eliminate all negativity, and to conquer the darkness that likes to bring me down.

Thoughts of the moment

You know, I pride myself on being straight forward and truthful. For the last few weeks, even months I've thought "oh I got this- I'm doing great." Every time I feel like I'm moving forward my bubble gets popped and I fall 10 steps back.

My mom always asks me "what's wrong sugar?" My sister says "call me when you want to talk." My husband says "It's okay sweetie, don't let such small things bother you."

There are a handful of people who actually and truly love me and for them I am eternally grateful. But like I told my husband last night as I cried myself to sleep in his arms-- I've been broken for a long time. From the time I was a child I wasn't good enough to be loved, never being smart enough, talented enough, cool enough, --- point blank I've never been "enough."

I try to only talk about the positive, because no one likes a debbie downer.. no one wants to be around a pessimist. However, sometimes maybe I give the impression that my life is perfect or things are always great... that is far from the truth. Maybe I overcompensate because on the inside I never feel good enough so if I try to "impress" others or make myself seem awesome-- people may actually like me enough to be nice.

Do you know what if feels like to be ignored, to not be invited to fun events, to always be the one who helps others and never the one who receives it, to constantly try to make others feel important or loved, yet some of the same people would never think twice about doing it for you? Well I do, and it sucks. I'm 26 years old and I always end up getting the shit end of the stick-- I try to remain optimistic and most days I am, but it doesn't take away from the fact that aside from my niceness- I'm not dumb, and I realize that 9 times out of 10, I'm only needed or befriended when its convenient for them, otherwise I'm a thing of the past- it hurts.

People always talk about how they don't understand why someone would commit suicide- I'll tell you, because they get to a point of feeling so alone, so unloved, so worthless that they feel more like a burden to society than a grace. I had one of those moments just last night actually, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I'm human and I suffer with depression and anxiety, most days I'm okay but others I suffer. This week has been a very hard one for lots of different reasons and I let my mind take over and eventually I come back from it and realize that I have an amazing son who needs me and I would never want to leave him thinking he wasn't good enough for me to stay alive for him.

Depression sucks- suicide isn't cowardly, its the people who make people want to commit suicide that are cowardly. Always be nice to people because you never know what kind of day they could be having and your words good or bad could either put them over the edge or bring them back.

Part of the reason I love teaching and working with the kids I do-- they don't judge, they love me for who I am, they are just happy to have structure, go outside, cuddle, and learn. They don't need anything fancy.. they are just happy in the simple things. I love doing photography and catching everyone's happy moments and having them saved for people forever. I always say, I'm done being a people pleaser, I'm done letting things get to me, I'm done being a floor mat-- but the reality is, I'm not sure that's even possible.

All I can do is pray, tucker down and hold on and pray the next storm takes it a little easier on me. My biggest fear is being a bad mother, or Braeden feeling the same way I've felt for so long. I may not do everything right when it comes to discipline but I'm learning as I go. He will know every single day how smart he is, how handsome he is, how wonderful he is, and how much he means to me and I love him. That to me is the most important thing, building a strong and independent minded child who can stand on his own two feet and not struggle the way I do with always putting myself last.

disclaimer: I am not always "fine", I have struggles like anyone else, I try to cover it up with a smile, an up-beat post, and focusing only on the positive, but at night those dark moments don't disappear just because I want them to. It's a real battle and I work on it day by day. I also did not write this for a pity party-  I'm okay today. I just want to feel valued and important in life to the people who call me their friend, the ones on my facebook and the ones who know how much I've done for them.

In life isn't that what everyone wants? To love and be loved all in the same token? Everyone has a story- this is just mine.