Taking a breath-

Every new year we all make resolutions that we usually don't keep. For whatever reason, we give up, loose interest or fail to follow through. Well, this year I'm only making one resolution and that is to take time and enjoy life to the best I possibly can with the ones who love me most. For me that means many things- being honest with myself and knowing when to ask for help, knowing when to tell people "no", knowing when to close the door and focus on my family, knowing when to focus on myself.

This year I spent far too much time focusing on all the details for other, focusing on putting in the extra mile for people who probably didn't even appreciate the effort. So in the new year it may seem cold to some, but I have to make some adjustments and my family nor myself will no longer be on the back-burner. I have to remind myself that it is okay to be completely lazy some days and just let Braeden take the wheel. I also have to remind myself that some days I will fail, and others I will win.

The hardest part will be to remind myself that somewhere in there- I am a good person, a good wife, and a good mother and that I will never be perfect at anything. (This is the part I asked Calvin to help me with, because I know I'll struggle.)

Calvin has jumped on board in the last few weeks and has genuinely been trying to be supportive and understanding. He has listened, hugged, and supported me in ways I never expected; not sure what clicked but definitely not complaining. I've always been thankful for my husband and Braeden, and I definitely have plenty to be thankful for, but the thing about struggling with depression is that it clouds your view, so now most days I see clearly but I still have cloudy ones. My hope is that in the new year, I have fewer and fewer cloudy days until hopefully they are all gone and I can finally be myself again.

My little GQ <3 

Precious Moments <3 

Such a sweet boy!

My foundation 

If not- then I pray God will give me the strength to accept this as part of me, to find a way to not see it as a weakness and to help support my husband and son through the journey as this isn't easy on any of us.

So for 2014, I look forward with fear and excitement to close one door and open another. May all your resolutions become reality and may 2014 be better than you imagine; just remember to take a breath to enjoy it <3

76 in December-

Following up from my last post- I did have my follow up appointment with my OB. 

Long story short: 

2007- I had, was treated for, and am about 90% free of cervical cancer. 

2009- I had 2 surgeries to fix my uterus, because I found out I had a bicorniated uterus meaning it was heart shaped and would not allow me to carry a baby. 

2010- My husband and I conceived for the first time, were about 14 weeks alon and found out we had an ectopic pregnancy meaning the baby was in my tubes and there was no safe way to have the baby so I had surgery and underwent chemotherapy to essentially "abort" the baby. It was a very dark time in my life- I almost committed suicide; a few times. 

2012- We finally conceived and had a healthy pregnancy with our handsome and smart miracle baby boy Braeden. 

I was a high risk pregnancy and was on bed rest a month and a half before he was born. 

2013- We decide to try again and realized we weren't getting pregnant after about 6 months of trying so when I went for my yearly exam I was told that I had too much scar tissue surrounding my Fallopian tubes, on my ovaries, and uterus. I had a solid chocolate cyst which my doctor was about 95% sure was endometriosis. I also had a normal cyst that was likely to rupture on it's own. Our plan was to wait 6 weeks and follow up, if it was still there we would schedule surgery and go from there. Which surgery would essentially mean no more babies. Which kind of broke the straw for this battle with depression. 

Well- I guess it being 76 on the first day of winter and in December only means one thing... Somehow both my cysts ruptured and are gone; meaning no surgery! I was in the floor in pain a few weeks ago and thought my stomach was just tore up because I had cheated and ate fast good- apparently the pain I was experiencing was my cyst rupturing; no bueno. 

So today- 12/21/2013 I am very thankful for the news. 

In my last blog I shared some struggles my husband and I have faced, I normally never do. However I've come to the conclusion that REAL people read this- so why not be REAL with them. 

So here is what's real-

*I am struggling with depression but taking it day by day- and with each day I feel a little stronger. 

*I have been married to the love of my life for 5 years and we have been together since 2006. We fight, we make up, we get on each other's nerves, sometimes I hate him, most times I love him ;) But the bottom line is we are REAL and we bust our ass to make the most of our marriage. Some days we lose; some we win. Deal with it ❤️

*I struggle with self-worth and I am a huge people pleaser; I bend over backwards for everyone and usually never even get noticed. (Disclosure: this will be changing 2014; my promise to myself)

*I am on a mission to find the strong, confident, and determined woman I once was and I will find her, I will be the best me, the best wife, and the best mom I can be. 

So for those who read this- know that yes sometimes I will post about issues because they are real issues. When I say life is perfect; in my eyes it is. I don't need to pretend, I also won't pretend anymore I'm happy if I'm not. 

This blog is for me and to hose who love me, support me, and care. It will get personal, sometimes mean, sad, and other times super happy. Those are all emotions I face so if you follow I appreciate you ❤️ 

Here's to new beginnings, closing old chapters, opening new ones and hell- 76 degree weather in December ☀️

Untitled-

I've been putting this entry off for far too long- mainly because I'm not really sure how I feel; much less how to write it. So I titled it "Untitled" because that kind of how I feel at the moment. I have essentially lost myself to where I really have no idea who I am anymore. I look back at the last few years and think- what happened? I feel like I have always been so happy, etc.- where did this come from?

I guess I should start with today and just hit rewind. Today (12/15) I sit here as my husband and I got into an argument last night because I wanted to surprise him by finishing Christmas AND putting money in our savings account with money I've made from selling our stuff on Ebay. (It's financially a hard time for us right now.) Well apparently we had a conversation prior that all the money I made from selling stuff was to go in the savings account- I must have forgot, bottom line he wasn't happy at all. My struggle is I'm depressed, I feel like aside from being mommy I really have no purpose in life. I feel like I am a huge joke to my peers and those around me. I have always tried to go above and beyond for others- but never once felt the same. I've never had flowers sent to school or a job randomly, I've never had a surprise party, and I've never ever had a simple surprise that makes ME actually feel important to someone. I thought once I got married that would change- obviously I would have to be important to my husband for him to marry me right? Well- anyone who knows mine and Calvin's history knows it has been rocky from the gate. When we first started dating we fought racism, which we still fight, then there was his jealousy, and controlling urges (neither of which I've ever dealt with before.) Then there was his temper- and my ability to always be blamed for his temper and how a simple conversation could turn into a shoving match or worse- yet someone "I" always start it. One may ask why I'm still here- well, a wise woman told me that good men are hard to find- and if you find one that doesn't drink, and doesn't cheat be thankful' take the good with the bad. Well, USUALLY there has always been relatively more good than bad. When we are good- its like toe curling, can't catch your breath, butterflies in my stomach, want to love you forever good. But when it's bad- I fall apart, completely. Now I should add- my husband is an amazing man; he knows his faults and works hard on controlling them; however he like any other human being is not perfect and struggles as well. My struggle is when to justify this to myself and when not to- when I need to be more understanding and when I need to be more firm.

If I rewind back to June- which is when the craziness really kicked in, we closed on our first home, celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary (7th year together), and our sons first birthday all in the same month; all also while potentially being homeless because of problems we encountered with USDA. I truly believe this is what started the wedge with Calvin and I- but I'm tired of the excuses, I bust my ass to be a damn good mother and wife- and for once I want to feel the same. The depression however makes this hard, because on good days I am perfectly capable of standing my ground and not accepting anything less than what I should deserve, but on bad days I feel like how I'm treated is what I deserve. Calvin is a wonderful man- and I know he has an enormous amount of stress on him as well, but when is there a point to put your foot down and say "hey, I love my wife- she's slowly dying out, and I'm her only support; if I don't help her no one will." Throughout this depression struggle which really kicked in after we ran into more fertility issues as we were trying for #2, but all I have really asked of him is to please be gentle with me, because I'm super sensitive to his words, and please just smile, to make me at least feel like you're happy to be home from work and with Braeden and I. Neither of those 2 options have been done on a consistent basis in the last 5 months, which makes my struggle of worth even worse.

Aside from my struggles with Calvin and myself; my grandfather's health is deteriorating (both of them actually, and neither of them are getting any younger.) It's to the point my one grandfather doesn't even really know me anymore- which also hurts, as he has always been my backbone and biggest fan.

I'll save the baby making issues for another post- I don't think I can handle reading all of this in one setting. My big struggle with myself is that I work at home ( I teach my son and 2 others) from 7am-5pm. Then add in an hour of mommy and Braeden time, then dinner, bath, clean-up, and then it's 11pm when I'm finally starting whatever needs to be done. I stay up til 1am nearly every night. I finally broke down and spoke to my OB about it (she's the only doctor I trust, and it just happened I was having my yearly at the time.) I had literally slept 14 hours in 7 days- and yet I was supposed to function and be a "normal" wife or else I got "what's wrong with you?" "Are you not in love with me anymore?" "I just can't make you happy?" ----- NO- it's called hello- I'm fucking tired?! I'm exhausted, and I need to get out of this house.

Tanning as horrible as it is, is my one escape. It's the only quiet and alone time I have EVER. So that was my only request after having Braeden was to be able to tan once a week or so to just get some air. Well usually I don't get to go- and when I do it's "hurry home" or "I'll see you in a couple hours." All sarcastically said of course, all the while I'm like really? I'm inside with kids (which I love) all day everyday which sometimes I just want enough quiet to hear my own thoughts.

Another point I struggle with- if I ask only simple things- (to me they seem simple) and they aren't able to get done, I blame myself. I must not be lovable enough, pretty enough, valued enough, important enough... This stems back to my deadbeat biological father who told me at age 3 he wasn't ready to be a father and he couldn't love me enough so he gave me up. So essentially all my life I struggle with putting myself out there only in hopes to be someone's someone. I'm almost 80% sure that prior to this depression that was perfect with Calvin, but the depression really clouds your vision and I can't tell what is his lack of effort on our marriage versus my depression battle which is all still really new territory for me.

Everyone says go get a pedicure, or have a friend watch Braeden, go on a date- just get out. Explain to me what to do on a VERY limited budget, no family around, and no friends to watch Braeden because none of them have been around him enough for him not to feel like we left him with a stranger. Braeden has been with myself or Calvin everyday since he was born 18 months ago. We lost our first baby and I would do anything and everything for Braeden to make sure he is never scared, or feels even a remote way of the feelings I struggle with. He WILL know he is loved, appreciated, and always always wanted.

 

 

Today has been a rough struggle- so I think I may start blogging again- it helped me when we lost the baby, maybe it'll help now. It is a constant struggle knowing what is truly my fault, what I have no control over, and what has nothing to do with me. My goals for myself are simple- find myself again, live life like I used to, and just be happy again. If you happen to read this- if you really want to help, just say a prayer for my family that we can all get back in sync and the way we once were.