Sometimes the truth hurts---

So I started back in November-ish on my anti-depressant/ anxiety medication and around January got to a really happy place which I've been now for a while. Calvin and I are on the fence whether we want to struggle to try to have another baby, or just call a quits and focus only on Braeden. I'm torn because I don't want Braeden to be an only child, but I also don't want to go through the potential heart break of losing another child. SO the grand idea was that I would work my way off my medicine and we would not try/try so to speak and if it happened great, if not- okay.

Well, I've worked my way down to 20mg from 40mg and I thought I was doing great, but I've noticed I steadily been going to bed later and later--- and having a hard time at that. My mind constantly races, it never shuts off. And yesterday I seemed short tempered with Calvin. :( The medicine I have been taking has a fabulous side effect of appetite control, however since I've dropped my dose it hasn't really worked and with the stress of Braeden being sick, Layla's surgery, and now the lack of sleep-- I've gained weight.. like 10lbs quick. BUT I'm not going to fret over it, I will get it under control again, the truth of the matter means I apparently need to be on my medicine longer than I thought-- potentially even forever which is a little hard to swallow.

I'm trying to set an appointment up to meet with a doctor to see what is safe if anything to take if we did become pregnant, but the reality is if I have to stay on this medicine and if there are risks involved with being on my medicine and having another baby-- then the grand question may have been answered for me.

For me the hardest part is not knowing when everything changed? When did I get so anxious? The depression part is good 98% of the time-- one battle I feel pretty good about. But where did all this come from? If it was situational-- shouldn't it be gone already? I know babies can make things change, but I didn't start having these issues til last fall when everything flipped upside down, which Braeden was 1.5 then.

Regardless, I went back to my original prescription today of 40mg and am staying put until further notice. I'm "okay" with it, but the truth of the matter sucks. Here I was thinking "oh, I'm great- I feel great, I got this" Apparently I only have it with help.. which if that's the way it has to be, I guess my only choice is to swallow that inner pride and move on along.

Now I have about a solid month to loose those 10lbs that I mysteriously gained so quick and get back in shape. I missed two weeks of the gym dealing with a sick kid and sick pup and this is what happens. Which we also ate fast food like every day because we were all over the place and trying to keep up.

So say a prayer for me folks- that I remain at peace with myself, that I get this random weight off again, that I can sleep like normal soon, and that I find my energy again! <3 And thanks so much to the ones who know my whole story and who love me, support me, and have been through it all with me :) I love you.

With love,
Me