March is here; well 6 days in.

I have been meaning to post a new blog for a few weeks now, and something always  comes up, so before the kids go crazy I'll update a few things!

First exciting news is that my husband got a new job! Praise the Lord! He actually is very excited and has learned so much already. He started February 25! Second I am feeling stronger and stronger each day. I've slacked some on my working out which I make up-- but I have a hard time staying on track each day; not sure how or when priorities changed but I definitely need to get more focused again. By stronger I mostly mean mentally- enough so I'm thinking of speaking with my doctor about lowering my dosage for April. Currently I take 40mg of Celexa and even though 10 mg is safe during pregnancy I don't want to take anything so my goal is between now and AFTER my sisters wedding (April 2015) I will be completely done with the medicine. I feel that is a fair goal, little by little I feel like myself again and I am confident the medicine is helping but also confident the Lord is helping me more. He is helping me find myself, love myself, and smile more, laugh more, and in general see life as it should be in the moments we are living.

From that, I mentioned the word pregnancy- meaning we DO want more kids BUT when timing is right. I struggle with wanting to succeed in raising Braeden to be confident, smart, loving, and loyal. I know we each are our own worst critics but I can fail at almost anything else but when it comes to Braeden I have to succeed. Between being a mother and being a wife those are the two most important titles I've ever had and they mean more to me than anything.

Part of the problem I believe is that I've always struggled to feel "good-enough". I was never the popular one, I actually was made fun of and as a prank in high school every one voted me biggest ego, to this day it still bothers me because at that point in my life I would have given anything to feel important or to even have an ego. Perhaps I gave the impression I had one-- who knows, but I remember from elementary to high school there were on two different occasions I considered taking my own life from being picked on about different things. Looking back now of course, most of it was stupid and petty and as an adult I actually laugh because I know I'm much better off than half the people who picked on me. I guess the main point is that if anyone is reading this --- always be nice to others, even if they seem to have it together they may not, everyone struggles and everyone has weaknesses so always be kind to one another because words can break a person.

The other side to that comes from my home life- I've said it all before in previous blogs, but again its difficult to feel confident or love yourself when you've been put down most of your life. I've had people tell me "those people are just jealous." Jealous of what?? My marriage--- I'm sorry I fell in love and my husband and I have busted our asses to make our marriage work through several obstacles. People who throw in the towel or are afraid to make things work shouldn't be jealous- they should feel embarrassed that they themselves didn't put in more effort. Jealous of our house-- we worked our tails off again for it, and with the help of family and some great friends we have a beautiful house we get to call home. Our son--- we prayed and prayed and after a traumatic loss we were blessed with Braeden; are we not allowed to have any happiness?

 I guess to anyone reading this that may be jealous- don't waste your negative energy; put that energy into working on yourself and MAKE things happen. NOTHING was given to us, we have worked for it so we are very appreciative of everything we have and there is no reason why you or anyone else can't have a happy life no matter what. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.

So I guess to wrap this up before I continue on rambling- my life has been far from a walk in the park; not nearly as hard as some, not nearly as easy as some-- but it's a work in progress. Everyone always talks about change being so hard, or wanting what someone else has-- but the truth is we are all capable of doing anything and everything and being anyone we want to be- with faith, dedication, and action you can make it happen. I believe more in this now than I ever have especially after how these last few months have been. I could either use those months as a crutch and wallow in self pitty-- or I can get my stuff together and find a way to keep trucking. Well this mama is trucking most days on a full tank of gas, but on days I'm running low; I know I have plenty of people to call on for help. I never knew how blessed I was til I asked for help.

So in ending remember two important things--- 1) Ask for help no matter what stage of life you're in when you need it. And 2) Always be appreciative of those that help you through the storms, and aren't just there for the party.


<3