Thoughts of the moment

You know, I pride myself on being straight forward and truthful. For the last few weeks, even months I've thought "oh I got this- I'm doing great." Every time I feel like I'm moving forward my bubble gets popped and I fall 10 steps back.

My mom always asks me "what's wrong sugar?" My sister says "call me when you want to talk." My husband says "It's okay sweetie, don't let such small things bother you."

There are a handful of people who actually and truly love me and for them I am eternally grateful. But like I told my husband last night as I cried myself to sleep in his arms-- I've been broken for a long time. From the time I was a child I wasn't good enough to be loved, never being smart enough, talented enough, cool enough, --- point blank I've never been "enough."

I try to only talk about the positive, because no one likes a debbie downer.. no one wants to be around a pessimist. However, sometimes maybe I give the impression that my life is perfect or things are always great... that is far from the truth. Maybe I overcompensate because on the inside I never feel good enough so if I try to "impress" others or make myself seem awesome-- people may actually like me enough to be nice.

Do you know what if feels like to be ignored, to not be invited to fun events, to always be the one who helps others and never the one who receives it, to constantly try to make others feel important or loved, yet some of the same people would never think twice about doing it for you? Well I do, and it sucks. I'm 26 years old and I always end up getting the shit end of the stick-- I try to remain optimistic and most days I am, but it doesn't take away from the fact that aside from my niceness- I'm not dumb, and I realize that 9 times out of 10, I'm only needed or befriended when its convenient for them, otherwise I'm a thing of the past- it hurts.

People always talk about how they don't understand why someone would commit suicide- I'll tell you, because they get to a point of feeling so alone, so unloved, so worthless that they feel more like a burden to society than a grace. I had one of those moments just last night actually, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I'm human and I suffer with depression and anxiety, most days I'm okay but others I suffer. This week has been a very hard one for lots of different reasons and I let my mind take over and eventually I come back from it and realize that I have an amazing son who needs me and I would never want to leave him thinking he wasn't good enough for me to stay alive for him.

Depression sucks- suicide isn't cowardly, its the people who make people want to commit suicide that are cowardly. Always be nice to people because you never know what kind of day they could be having and your words good or bad could either put them over the edge or bring them back.

Part of the reason I love teaching and working with the kids I do-- they don't judge, they love me for who I am, they are just happy to have structure, go outside, cuddle, and learn. They don't need anything fancy.. they are just happy in the simple things. I love doing photography and catching everyone's happy moments and having them saved for people forever. I always say, I'm done being a people pleaser, I'm done letting things get to me, I'm done being a floor mat-- but the reality is, I'm not sure that's even possible.

All I can do is pray, tucker down and hold on and pray the next storm takes it a little easier on me. My biggest fear is being a bad mother, or Braeden feeling the same way I've felt for so long. I may not do everything right when it comes to discipline but I'm learning as I go. He will know every single day how smart he is, how handsome he is, how wonderful he is, and how much he means to me and I love him. That to me is the most important thing, building a strong and independent minded child who can stand on his own two feet and not struggle the way I do with always putting myself last.

disclaimer: I am not always "fine", I have struggles like anyone else, I try to cover it up with a smile, an up-beat post, and focusing only on the positive, but at night those dark moments don't disappear just because I want them to. It's a real battle and I work on it day by day. I also did not write this for a pity party-  I'm okay today. I just want to feel valued and important in life to the people who call me their friend, the ones on my facebook and the ones who know how much I've done for them.

In life isn't that what everyone wants? To love and be loved all in the same token? Everyone has a story- this is just mine. 

A Sad Day

You know, it's truly amazing how celebrities hold a spot in our hearts, some we love, we grow up with, we learn from, admire, and truly feel like we "know." I'm not sure why Robin William's death has touched me the way it has, but like a friend of mine said- "I feel like a part of my childhood is gone." I remember watching Mrs. Doubtfire a million times growing up- laughing so hard I almost peed my pants because it was just that funny. My other favorite is Aladdin, both movies I do not think I can ever watch again without just feeling sad.

"I'm going to miss you Genie." 

With his death brings about a serious issue that millions of Americans face every day, yet no one speaks up. Depression is a horrible disease that is not always easy to escape. How educated are you on the disease? Did you know that depression is the leading cause of suicide? 

*Suicide takes the lives of nearly 30,000 Americans every year

*For young people aged 15-24, suicide is the third leading cause of death

*80% of people that seek treatment for depression are treated successfully

*Suicide CAN be prevented through education and public awareness

If you know someone who suffers from depression, call them more often, text them- check on them and remind them that you care. Do not assume because they are not always available that they are okay- some of the weakest and lowest moments are the ones when no one is around to stop them. Robin Williams death also proves that money cannot buy happiness, so it does not matter what a person has on the outside, everyone has struggles. 

Personally, most of you guys know my struggle with depression- thankfully I made the decision to seek help. I wanted Braeden to grow up with a mommy and I didn't want to put the burden on my husband to explain to our son why his mommy decided she wasn't "worth" living anymore. I'll admit though- I remember those low moments very vividly.. I felt like I was a burden to every one I was around. That I was a joke, no one would ever take me seriously anyway. That if I died- who would even care? Who would miss me or even notice I was gone? All these feelings put together at the same time, can make for a very low moment. 

More personal, my fight was mostly with myself. I felt like a disappointment for struggling to get pregnant and not being able to get pregnant again. (Disclosure: I am VERY grateful for our son; but always wanted to have multiple kids.) I felt like what was wrong with me, isn't it a woman's responsibility to make children? Then I started noticing how many other women struggle with infertility and other baby making abilities. Things at home weren't going very good either, Calvin and I were always fighting- which I blamed myself for every argument and that just made it worse. Our financial status changed dramatically and we were hanging on by a frayed thread. Lastly of course, there was my own self image struggles. I was never pretty enough, skinny enough, toned enough, my hair wasn't cut right, my clothes weren't new enough, a lot of superficial issues drilled into my head from the airbrushed unrealistic images laid out that REAL women can never compete with. No one understood me, and I felt completely alone. 

Of course I understand all this now- but the point is that until you have dealt with depression or have been side by side with someone who has; it makes it very easy to make generalized statements like "suicide is selfish." I've read so many comments of un-educated people about Robin Williams death and it astonishes my how people are so naive to not realize that depression and suicide are huge and real issues that our country is facing. Our youth are committing suicide at a much higher rate that 5 years ago, and then higher then 5 years previous to that. Our generation and ones above us are not taking school bullying seriously, we are not using our brains to educate ourselves and others to help eliminate such unnecessary measures of death. 

Please share this blog, talk about these issues with your friends, family, and most of all TAKE IT SERIOUSLY! Life is too precious, and ends quick enough as it is. Take care of the ones you love and create a safe place for them to talk, cry, and come when they need it! And if you are reading this blog, and you suffer from depression yourself know this-- there is always help, and YOU are not the problem the disease is and as ugly as depression is- it can be overcome and controlled with help. 

Take life seriously, be kind to one another. Help your neighbors, your friends, and your family.. Pay it forward and always smile, because you never know how much such a simple gesture could make someone's day. 

With love. 

Don't be a target-- All Women Please Read!

Ladies--

I took a amazing self defense class this weekend and learned so much! A lot of it I can't share- you have to physically take the course to learn, but some of it I can and will.

*Did you know that every 2 minutes somewhere in America, someone is assaulted? (2012 statistic)
*A rape is reported about once every six minutes in the U.S. (2001)

How can we change this? Prepare yourself to 1) not be a target and 2) if you become a target, defend yourself and escape.

There are several ways to reduce the risk of becoming a target:
1) Your home:
*Try walking around your home, at night or during the day- can you easily find a way in?
*Make sure your drapes or shades are always thick and pulled at night. This prevents a silhouetting                 effect to show someone who and where you are inside the house at night.
*Make sure if you have outdoor lights- use them! Keep them on so your neighbors can be your look               out, also so police can view your house and see any potential attacker.
*Make sure your shrubs and bushes are at least 6" below your window ledge so that there is no room             for someone to hide behind them.
*Make sure you keep your doors and windows locked at all times, even on second floors. People can           be quite deceiving if they are trying to get in your home.
*Having a hide-a-key is very dangerous, most criminals know to look for these specific areas first in               order to get in- trust a neighbor, family member, or friend before leaving a key outside.
*When someone knocks on the door- verify who they really are before allowing them in.
*Always leave a light on, so you do not return home to a dark house.

2) Your vehicle:
*Always check your car before getting in, make sure no one is hiding in, under, or around your car.
*Once you're inside your vehicle, lock the door.
*Try to always back in when parking, so you are easily able to leave if need be.
*Always keep your key in hand when walking to car, your key could also be used as a weapon if                    needed.

The biggest thing I learned was to be completely aware of your surroundings... when walking alone always pay attention to those around you- their race, clothing color, something to describe them if you needed to. When driving, always know where you are if your car breaks down, or if you get lost you will have an idea to tell police to help you.

If you are completely aware of your surroundings- you are much more aware, so if an attack did happen you are more prepared. If someone attacks you YELL "NO" "STOP" as loud as you can, get someone's attention, cause a scene. And always give eye contact, if shows you have confidence and are less likely to be viewed as an easy target.

In our perfect heads, these situations would "never" happen to us, but realistically what if it did? Do you KNOW that as a woman there are so many tools you can learn to get out of nearly every situation? Are you confident you would survive? What if you are with your kids? These are questions you need to ask, and if you aren't sure-- take a class. This RAD class I took is offered all over the U.S. and in several other countries for FREE.

Just taking it, I learned so much about my own personal strength- my ability to think quickly on my feet, and my ability to safely get out of a dangerous situation if I ever needed to. All women should be able to experience that feeling. Contact your local police department and see what options are offered in your area, and as women-- let's put a stop to being the victim!

This video is on youtube- This is Anthony Furguson; he broke into over 600 homes in the Charlotte Area. It's called "Interview with a Burglar" and he tells you all the things he looked for before breaking in.

Click below:
Interview with a Burglar

Sometimes the truth hurts---

So I started back in November-ish on my anti-depressant/ anxiety medication and around January got to a really happy place which I've been now for a while. Calvin and I are on the fence whether we want to struggle to try to have another baby, or just call a quits and focus only on Braeden. I'm torn because I don't want Braeden to be an only child, but I also don't want to go through the potential heart break of losing another child. SO the grand idea was that I would work my way off my medicine and we would not try/try so to speak and if it happened great, if not- okay.

Well, I've worked my way down to 20mg from 40mg and I thought I was doing great, but I've noticed I steadily been going to bed later and later--- and having a hard time at that. My mind constantly races, it never shuts off. And yesterday I seemed short tempered with Calvin. :( The medicine I have been taking has a fabulous side effect of appetite control, however since I've dropped my dose it hasn't really worked and with the stress of Braeden being sick, Layla's surgery, and now the lack of sleep-- I've gained weight.. like 10lbs quick. BUT I'm not going to fret over it, I will get it under control again, the truth of the matter means I apparently need to be on my medicine longer than I thought-- potentially even forever which is a little hard to swallow.

I'm trying to set an appointment up to meet with a doctor to see what is safe if anything to take if we did become pregnant, but the reality is if I have to stay on this medicine and if there are risks involved with being on my medicine and having another baby-- then the grand question may have been answered for me.

For me the hardest part is not knowing when everything changed? When did I get so anxious? The depression part is good 98% of the time-- one battle I feel pretty good about. But where did all this come from? If it was situational-- shouldn't it be gone already? I know babies can make things change, but I didn't start having these issues til last fall when everything flipped upside down, which Braeden was 1.5 then.

Regardless, I went back to my original prescription today of 40mg and am staying put until further notice. I'm "okay" with it, but the truth of the matter sucks. Here I was thinking "oh, I'm great- I feel great, I got this" Apparently I only have it with help.. which if that's the way it has to be, I guess my only choice is to swallow that inner pride and move on along.

Now I have about a solid month to loose those 10lbs that I mysteriously gained so quick and get back in shape. I missed two weeks of the gym dealing with a sick kid and sick pup and this is what happens. Which we also ate fast food like every day because we were all over the place and trying to keep up.

So say a prayer for me folks- that I remain at peace with myself, that I get this random weight off again, that I can sleep like normal soon, and that I find my energy again! <3 And thanks so much to the ones who know my whole story and who love me, support me, and have been through it all with me :) I love you.

With love,
Me

Life Perspectives-

I'm laying here on the couch, with Layla right beside me, post surgery stink and all; yet I can't help the warm overwhelming feeling I have of gratefulness for God opening doors today. 

Today I was faced with a difficult decision that I truly hope I never face again. Layla our puppy swallowed a large rock which cut into her intestines creating major problems and creating the need for an emergency surgery today. 

Well, I was faced with the decision of going forward with surgery that we truly couldn't afford and still can't or putting her down because she wouldn't make it much longer untreated. My heart never had a decision to make, putting her down would never be an option but my head says "if you do this surgery can you afford to buy groceries next week?" $1500 is a lot of money for essentially one income. BUT God opened a door to allow us to make payments and even though we can't really afford the payments, I couldn't really afford to loose Layla. 

Layla is so much more to me than a puppy or dog. She is my best friend, the best cuddler, she always knows when I need some love, or if something is wrong and she accepts me for who I am and loves me as such. ❤️ 

So tonight say a prayer please for my Layla and me as we tough it out together tonight. She has to go back to the vet tomorrow all day for fluids and then hopefully she will be home for good. Pray that she heals quickly, that this doesn't happen again, that financially some new doors open, and that this whole experience only brings my family closer. 

It truly is amazing when you put things into perspective, I only wish I could learn to relax a little more and trust that in every situation God always has control. He knows how much Layla means to me,  and helped us bring her home. Sometimes I feel silly because of how worked up I get over Layla emotionally, but at the end of the day, she is family; and you fight for family. Talk about learning a new perspective. 

Thank you for all the prayers and please continue. 

Let's talk about SEX baby ;)

So with the new movie trailer of "Fifty Shades of Grey" that came out today, it got me thinking about how well your sex life really is... us women so quickly get wrapped up in the mystery of "Christian Grey" but do we still get wrapped up in our husbands?



Now, don't worry I this blog is solely rhetorical ;) And I will not be sharing specifics about my personal sex life because well, that's for me and Calvin... I will say I have no complaints :)

It seems so easy when you first start out to date, that romance level is so high... that gaze from your partner can  make you melt with out even being touched. But when you are touched, that warm embrace of a hug, or the soft kiss from a long day apart--- makes your toes curl and your tummy flutter. The desire to have sex in the beginning is so high, that's the easy part. But how do you keep that spark alive?

How do you make time for intimacy with your spouse when you both work full time jobs, you may go to school on top of that, what if you have a child, multiple children.. or what if you just haven't felt that spark to try?

Well-- the answer is YOU have to MAKE time. 1 Corinthians 7:3 says "The Husband should fulfill his wife's sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband's sexual needs." How do we do that exactly? We need to take time to understand how to meet each other's needs. Of course that seems simple, but in most cases it's not. Men in general tend to be more focused on the physical aspects of things: the seeing, the touching, the feeling. Where as women tend to be more focused on the emotional aspect of things: feeling loved, cared for, and feeling appreciated.

Be silly and don't take everything so serious!

It's easy for sex especially for us women to get put on the back burner; after all once we have kids our minds no longer tick about ourselves only- we worry about our kids, our husbands, our house, cooking dinner, laundry, our pets, and the million things we volunteered to do knowing we don't have enough time in the day. BUT whether you choose to believe it or not, sex plays a huge part in a marriage. It can even break a marriage if put off too long. So with that, if you love your spouse take the time to find out what makes them tick again, put some effort into it, and most of all have some fun!! It shouldn't matter whether you are 20 or 80 years old, incorporating fun into your sexual life should be natural.

Ladies stop using the "headache, tummy ache, I'm tired", routine. Stop being confined to the same position every single time, and stop limiting your spouse to once a month. Strive for once a week, and make it important. If you're already at once a week-- strive for 2-3x a week.

I've seen far too many women talk about how after they have split with their spouse they "wish" they would have put forth more effort, etc... why wait-- why not start today? I know this is a topic that a lot of people are embarrassed about, but realistically it's natural, normal, and something that needs to be important in our relationships.

Throughout my blogs, I will be sharing some of the devotions that Calvin and I are doing- mainly the ones that hit home for us. <3

8 years together, 5 years married and he still has my heart <3 

Goal for today- well most likely tomorrow since it's almost midnight-- make your spouse remember that spark if you've lost it, go on a date, build up to a hot night alone... NO EXCUSES! Find the time, make it happen. :)

With love,
Me

Love Yourself... :)

Hello all!

It's been a bit since my last blog-- I keep saying I'm going to get better at this and write every day to become in a habit. I'll be doing something or reading something and say "this would be awesome to blog about.." then those thoughts just ponder away somewhere in mommy brain and I don't remember..

Regardless, let me start by saying I, Heather Edmunds LOVE myself. Those of you that know me well, know how hard I've worked to get to this place, but you only live once right? So WHY should I worry about all the things I can't change? Much easier said than done, right? Two years ago, this blog would have never been written, heck 2 months ago it wouldn't have happened.. BUT the closer I walk with God the more I come to terms with that he made me and if he is proud and loves me there is no logical reason why I shouldn't love myself.

I work hard, I take care of my family, I take care of myself, and I'm learning to STOP obsessing about what I eat, drink, or look like. Quite frankly I'm stronger than I've ever been in my life, and even if I'm never as "skinny" as the girl in those magazines we all admire-- guess what I'm okay with that. My husband doesn't seem to mind a little curve. I know I do my best, while staying happy and that's all the matters. I'm learning that if I want to drink a soda or eat a slice of cake, or heck both at the same time-- life will still be okay. I'll just work out twice as hard. ;) Regardless, all my life I have lived in the jail of me, never pretty enough, never thin enough, never GOOD enough... but ya know what?! I'm free, because God allowed me to be.

If only we could all live as carefree as this cutie! 

Yes, I have been on anti-depressants for the last year, because it was a damn hard year--- but I'm one month away from saying GOOD-BYE to that chapter of my life and I feel better than ever. What I've learned is that as humans, we are all prone to make mistakes, we are all prone to be hard on ourselves, and never feel up to our own standards--- but when we become prisoners to ourselves and are never able to fully live life, then what are we truly living for? Is my life perfect right now? NOPE, but honestly it never will be, I'm just better at dealing now. I am blessed beyond belief at the things I do have though, an amazing husband (most of the time ;), a remarkable little boy, a fur-baby who has truly helped me more than anything, a house I call a home, a dependable car that gets me where I need to go, and all the essentials in life.

In God I have my HOPE and HE is my anchor. <3 

So if you are reading this right now, and you aren't truly happy with yourself- ask WHY? Because let me tell you, in December I weighed 104lbs and was very thin, but you know what I still wasn't "happy" I longed to still be smaller, nothing was good enough, the woman I saw in the mirror still embarrassed me no matter how many compliments I got. Now, I'm at 115lbs and no I'm not as thin but I'm HAPPY. No, I don't have abs of steel, or a flat stomach, but I'm okay with working on it. I'm content with the way I look now, I'm content with the progress I'm making working out; and of course I'll always strive to be better, but the difference is, I'm not a prisoner to myself anymore. Don't be a prisoner, love your skin, your body, and embrace is because I'm 100% positive that someone else admires you for every aspect about you.

Me, yesterday! #strongmom 

And lastly ladies--- encourage each other! I can't say enough how if I've had a off day how much a simple compliment brings me up. As women we need to feel pretty, valued, and important. Whether it's a quick text, a facebook post, or a call--- the women and friends in your life that matter--- TELL THEM. Empower them the strive even harder, and value themselves more. Real women encourage each other and lift one another up, be a real woman to yourself, and to others! #strongwomenunited

With much love,
Me <3