Today would be that day for me-
Braeden woke up, and as soon as my first daycare kid was dropped off the tantrums started. He was angry because he normally gets to spend a little time with mommy and today he didn't. Well his fit lead into upsetting my daycare kiddo because she of course didn't understand that he was okay and was just throwing a fit, so for about 15 minutes I had both kiddos crying. One wanting reassurance that her mom hadn't just dropped her off in a crazy house, and one who just needed to get his anger/ frustration/ whatever emotion he was feeling out. Finally after singing, cuddling, and slightly ignoring my own child- it finally all ceased and our day could begin.
Our day went along great- we got in lots of learning, and then after nap-- he started again. We had to leave to go to my OB appointment and heaven forbid I turn off the T.V. so we could go. Normally, this wouldn't be an issue but today the world ended when I hit the power button. He screamed, threw things, and as I put him in time out as I've finally had enough and ignoring it isn't working, he finally calms.
I get him out of time out and put him in my lap, and we talk. I try to explain how mommy loves him and how he needs to use his words, then I slipped and said "you were a bad boy." I said when you throw things, yell and are mean it makes mommy very sad. He looked at me with such disappointment and said "I'm sorry mommy." "I not want to be bad." ------ Then the waterworks came. In that instant I realized, he had no idea that his tantrum wasn't okay, in his toddler mind he was acting out his emotions since he can't quite verbalize them the way he wants. But when I said "bad" he quickly caught on and I broke his heart, and in turn it broke mine. I held him so tight, and said "it's okay, let's listen and be a good boy for the rest of today, okay?" He excitedly said "okay, mommy!"
We went to my OB appointment, and before we even got out the car, I explained how we needed to listen to mommy and that if we didn't listen mommy would be sad. He held my hand, and listened throughout the majority of the appointment, and the few times he tested, I reminded him of our talk and he quickly began to listen again.
On the way home, we were stuck in traffic for what seemed like forever, and he again just randomly said "I'm sorry mommy, I don't want to be bad." And again, the waterworks started. I found myself questioning if I am a horrible mother, if I am screwing my child all up? Should I be more strict, less strict, discipline more, discipline less? Take things away, offer more solutions? Damn- this parenting stuff is hard.. and most people are super quick to tell you what you are doing wrong, or the classic "I would do x, or y." Newsflash-- every child is different and what may work for 1,000 kids may not work for mine. I'm fairly certain if it's been published, I've read it in regards to how to be the best mom I can be, and I still fall short.
.jpg)
I saw this when I was reading yet again about how to handle these tantrums and it made perfect sense. Most of what I read, I do. For example, I've learned to pick my battles, our therapist actually described it as being the "micro-managing boss type parent" or "the loving parent who welcomes their child".. clearly I wanted to second of the two, but I thought maybe he is acting out because I'm not a very strict parent. So I became more firm- and it got 10x worse. So then I backed off, and learned to pick my battles- meaning if I ask him to pick up his toys and he doesn't listen, I don't immediately discipline him.. I give him options. For example, when mommy finishes washing these dishes we need to pick up all the toys, etc.
The hardest part for me, is obviously in public, which thankfully he rarely acts out in public. But there is nothing worse that the mom of the 10 month old or even the 18 month old that gives you the look, like "um, my child doesn't act like that.." ---I want to just laugh and say "give it time."
I also constantly find myself trying to validate his behavior, like maybe I'm not spending enough time with him, away from him, or maybe I'm not doing this right or that... or the worst case I find myself wondering-- what on earth did I do to make my child this way? If he throws things and yells.. he must not feel loved, right?
Well apparently, according to multiple medical websites along with other stories I read in addition to kicking, screaming, or pounding the floor, your child may throw things, hit, and even hold his breath until he turns blue, which are all lovely NORMAL parts of these two year old tantrums. YAY!
"When your child is swept up in a tantrum, he's unable to listen to reason, though he will respond – negatively – to your yelling or threatening. Stomping out of the room – tempting as that may be – can make your child feel abandoned. The storm of emotion he's feeling can be frightening to him, and he needs to know you're nearby. Rather than leave him thrashing on the floor, go to him. If he's not flailing too much, pick him up and hold him. Chances are he'll find your embrace comforting and will calm down more quickly."
Well heck-- I do that, actually quite often Braeden and I have "time-ins" together where I just squeeze him and hold him til he stops and show him that no matter how angry or mad he gets, I'm not leaving, nor will I ever stop loving him.
My point behind this ridiculously long blog--- I pride myself on working to be the best damn mom I can be, I read more books that you could imagine, I research everything when it comes to my child, and I also have a degree in Childhood Psychology and I STILL STRUGGLE- Days like today, I just needed a hug and someone to say "he is normal, and you are still a good mom." My OB actually was that saving grace today.. she gave me that hug and reassured me that even in his worst moments, my child is normal, and that I am a good mom.
Parenting is hard as hell, and unfortunately there are no books, articles, or opinions that can fully prepare you for it. Every child is different, and as hard as it is to swallow sometimes no matter how perfect people make parenting seem, or how perfect they make their kids seem --- I am a firm believer that no child is absolutely perfect, or at least that's what I will keep telling myself for self-validation. (LOL)
Advice- I have none, except that I am learning to except the fact that some days I win, and others I loose. Trying not to make one lost day control how I feel about myself as a mother or as a person. Best believe, when I am out in public or just working with my daycare moms- when they are are having a tough time, or if you see a mom struggling.. sometimes all they need is a hug, or a simple "it'll be okay." I know for me, just that reassurance I'm not totally screwing my child up gives me the "umph" I need to hit the restart button and try again.
Make sure you spend less time judging, and more time being empathetic, compassionate, and loving--- because at some point in your life, I'm sure you will want another mother to comfort you; whether it be due to a tantrum spell, a rough transition to school, a trying teenager, or an adult child that won't leave home. As moms we all struggle, regardless of whether you choose to admit it or not.. my theory is hey, I try my best, do all the research, study everything I can-- and I still struggle. I constantly fear my child will grow up and not know how much I love him, how much I care for him, how much I try for him. And even though I know I make a million mistakes... I try to learn from them and become a better mom from them.
My challenge to you-- this week, pay attention when you're out and about. If you see a mom who looks like she is struggling, remind her that it's okay. She is a wonderful mom and her child is perfectly normal. Give her a hug if you see fit, but most importantly lift her up-- because you just never know when your words could make someones' day. <3
P.S. Never say your child is "bad"... take it from me, save the heart break, one of the millions of mistakes I've made that I will not make again- rest assured.
This face may look "mean" and even adorable all in the same sense... but never bad.
No comments:
Post a Comment