One hurdle down, two left to go-

Those of you who read my last blog got a glimpse of how I feel here and there. I felt bad for those who read it and were hurt or felt super worried about me.. but it needed to be said. My life is far from perfect, and it's very frustrating when people assume that it is simply because I try to be optimistic.

At 20, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and had several surgeries. I was told if I wanted a family I needed to start trying because medically with all the scar tissue my chances were limited. At 21 I got married, and we started trying right away--- 3 years later after failed pregnancies we finally got our amazing son Braeden.

Fast forward to yesterday, I had a procedure with biopsies taken because my Ob said my levels showed that the cervical cancer cells had increased and thrown off my numbers. Thankfully those cells that increased are all mild, meaning I can wait to treat. This is great news because it gives us another opportunity to try for another baby.

However, I have to stop taking my anti-depression/anti-anxiety medication before she wants us to try, because there are lots of risks involved with me taking my medication and becoming pregnant. She said 10mg would be potentially acceptable but given my already high risk and struggles, she really wants it gone. So between now and my 6 month follow up I am supposed to get off my medicine and get pregnant. (No pressure). Last year we tried for about 8 months and never got pregnant, then I had two solid cysts burst which almost ended me in the ER and the pain was excruciating. Between the failed success, the medical issues, and several other obstacles going on I had a complete nervous breakdown. I completely just lost it... one person can only handle so much. About 4 months ago I tried to lower my dosage because we were going to try again, and my nerves just couldn't take it. I couldn't sleep and I felt quick tempered. So I went back up.

Now, however I am on day 4 of lowering my dosage and with the help of a extra nice hubby and friends stepping up and truly making me feel loved, important, and just that I'm important enough to be thought about helps. My biggest struggle has always been never feeling "good enough"... well I think my last blog busted a lot of bubbles and showed a lot of people that I have thought about suicide, I do have dark moments, but I'm no different than anyone else, I just want to feel loved and appreciated in a world that usually only shows appreciation when it's convenient for them.

I have a lot of inner hurdles I have to work on, like learning to accept things the way they are, learning that some people never want to see you happy, or see you succeed. Some people love it when you're down-- it makes them feel better about their own life. Those people, I need to wash my hands off. Much harder said than done. I'm learning through the hard times who my friends are and which ones aren't. I can't tell which is harder trying to figure out your friends in the good times or in the bad? Regardless, I'm working on it.

Some were a little upset that I didn't broadcast what was going on when it was going on-- well I barely told anyone.. mainly because I didn't want to hear "everything happens for a reason", "trust God, he makes no mistakes", "girl I've been through the same thing", "I know exactly how you feel". ALL things that literally make me want to punch someone in the face for saying. I know intentions may be good, but it sucks when you feel like your life is falling apart and someone tells you everything happens for a reason-- really? Explain it to me then. I trust in God, but in the moment I don't need the reminder. And people should never- ever say "I know exactly how you feel" ever... Because two people could go through the same diagnosis, but their bodies handle it completely different, their minds handle it differently, etc. It's belittling. Sorry-- I got a little bitchy in this paragraph, but "I had good intentions." ;)

Thanks to those who know my struggles and constantly remind me of my worth, who do some of the sweetest things just because. I can't tell you how much it meant last week for example when just randomly one of my daycare moms wrote me a little note just telling me how much her kids loved me and how much she appreciated me. Or one of my daycare dads just telling me thanks for giving his kids a safe place to learn and play. If more people took the time to show appreciation for others all the time, this world in general would be a much better place. I know I have a lot of work to do in that area, myself.

So for now, I have one huge thing to be thankful for, and lots of prayers needed to help keep me strong, help me get off this medicine, help us create another baby, help us financially provide for a bigger family, and so many other things. Help me become stronger enough to push people away who aren't good for me, to eliminate all negativity, and to conquer the darkness that likes to bring me down.