I look around and this world is crumbling, some have lost their homes, children, and families... yet I can't seem to pick up my feet from losing our house. I just keep worrying about where we are going to live after June 1st. The closest family is about 4 hours away, and after all the current events I feel selfish for feeling so weak, but I just can't shake it. I try to be such a good person, live right, do unto others the way I want to be treated and yet this happens. Sure, things may work out in a different light, but that doesn't erase all the time, money, and heart that we have put into this "home." For once I thought we would have it all together, and I know that no matter where we are, as long as we have each other we will be okay, but it doesn't wash away the frustrations and pain I feel now.
The last few days, I have found myself questioning why? When we lost our baby in 2011 everyone said "time will heal your wounds", "everything happens for a reason"... maybe I am too logical of a person, but I didn't miscarry, I had an ectopic pregnancy and almost died. Having to abort my healthy baby at 13 weeks because I would have died, and seeing the little hands and feet still haunts me to this day.
I know that we will pick up our feet and get it together again in time, but there is a lot of fog right now in view. It is just so frustrating for me right now, not just because of this house situation, but because I know so many good people, that bad things happen to.. and it is never logical. And I know I am not supposed to question to Lord, or his plan.. but you know sometimes I am human, and I do. There is not one person in the world, that just sits back like a robot and does everything by the book. And is sad as it is to say, doing some research in the bible and some of its words, makes me even question my faith at times. As absolutely horrible as that sounds in my head, I can only imagine how it sounds written out, but the point of these blogs is to free my mind, so that is part of it. Judge me if you wish, but I always speak the truth. I can promise that anyone who wishes to judge me should clean out their closets first, because no one is a saint, we are all sinners in our own ways.
Regardless, this experience has taught me not to stress about money, because if something horrible is going to happen, sometimes it is completely out of our hands and it doesn't matter how much money your have. Obviously money helps, but in our situation money didn't cause this problem. I have also learned that no matter how "comfortable" you think you are, bad things can happen in an instant, and you can go from living in a beautiful apartment or house to homeless like a light switch. In regards to the recent horrible acts of violence all over our country, I know these people feel like they have hit rock bottom and I know that if they can get up and move on so can I. I just needed to clear my head and re-focus. They say if it looks too good to be true, it probably is. I guess some people just aren't meant to have it all, in regards to a family and house.
I truly appreciate all the phone calls, text messages, and Facebook messages; it truly means a lot. I apologize for delayed or no responses sometimes I just don't have the words. They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle, well I am sure millions of American's would agree... several people are being pushed to their limits. I know I am have a beautiful son and an amazing and hardworking husband to be strong for. My family pull through and somehow find a place to live, make all this work.
With love,
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